Bill Wiltrack wrote:.
Something happened. I've stated this before in other ways.
After my life imploded at a very young age, I discovered the spiritual philosophy described in Ouspensky's works. IT WAS LIFE ALTERING for me.
As, again, I have stated before, I cannot describe the experience itself. Even if I could - it would not matter. The philosophy of Ouspensky must be experienced.
The discipline culminated in a deep understanding that happened to me while I was sitting in a college classroom.
For months later I was turned outside-in and once again I found myself adrift in outer circumstances.
I never could find a way back in.
I wound up chasing that dragon for the next 40 years. NEVER to be able to enter that spiritual/intellectual world again.
I've run out of strength...
I see now that we live & die in an almost completely silent solidarity. A solitary emptiness. Looking for a deeper meaning when there really isn't any.
...if there were a meaning in life for me; if there were a meaning to my life - it would be wordless. Words, ultimately fail us. But up until a certain point words are very fantastic and extremely helpful.
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In my own experience, when younger you search more often for a groove to travel in. It's half serious and half fun. But when you get older you discover that to search for a deeper meaning is a complete waste of time. There was never a single human, not Buddha, not Christ, not Lao Tzu or anyone else who had the slightest insight into some imagined deep meaning. In fact searching for this non-existent trail of bread crumbs makes one blind to the one staring in your face. And what would that be? For me it defaults to the 'meaning of life' question. The most mediocre, ignorant bullshit question there ever was. Life, as humans have envisioned it since ancient times is far too panoramic to even contain such a meaning. Personally, I wouldn't appreciate being pigeon-holed into some single overriding emphasis or consider such as the 'revelation' I was looking for.
What you are searching for and seemingly feel defeated by for not having found would give me mental claustrophobia. If there were such a meaning, what would it amount to? I think, only this, that we are time bound entities along with everything else in Creation whose BEFORE & AFTER are equal to each other.
...it's also occurred to me that you could just be playing a game with these artificial woes to see how others would respond!