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A few months back I cut my work-out short unexpectedly.
So I decided to go straight to the sauna.
I took some niacin just before I entered.
After just a few minuets I got that feeling that I have had before, that feeling where I knew I was overdosing. And there was nothing I could do about it.
It just so happened that on that day I had taken a much larger dose of kratom along with a little heavier dose of a couple of stimulants that I occasionally use prior to a workout.
I use my gym as a sanctuary. It's the only refuge I have right now to ratchet-up a practice of philosophical detachment.
I stood-up in an attempt to leave the sauna, for I sit right in-front of the rocks and I have always known that I will fall face first into them if & when I pass out.
I don't quite remember walking out of that sauna.
I woke-up naked, bleeding from my skull, on the floor in the deserted locker room.
I had recently shaved my head of all hair and there was quite a large gash on the top of my skull.
Something unusual happened in that inner core of my sanctuary that day. The place where I routinely practice that silent prayer that is my very sustenance now.
I must have passed-out more than once. I remember sitting on the wooden bench just outside the shower and attempting to stand-up for a nausea was overcoming me.
Just before I passed-out I remember thinking everything was alright. I was not afraid of letting-go. My life was just over.
I don't know whether I died and was jolted back to life from my body hitting the floor or if the constriction and dilation of my arteries from all the drugs I was ingesting caused me to momentarily pass-out and I just regained consciousness sometime thereafter. Or perhaps I had a heart attack. I've had two.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter what we want, what we feel or what we think when it comes to death. It just comes. And we cease.
Truman Capote wrote: Be thankful for unanswered prayers.
Philosophy is all about death. Philosophy is a cold preparation for death.
If you love philosophy you love too much. Be thankful for unanswered prayers.
Still you love.
Love that cannot be expressed.
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