Don't Ask Me Eihter

[Gary Childress]

Sometimes I feel like others avoid me for good reason. I'm the prototypical "ugly American". I have no formal manners. No "restraint". I say things that others don't want me to say because it's not considered polite to respond in the ways I do. I'm a social ogre, an "unclean" brute. I'll mannered and defy conventions.

I remember attending a wedding with a female friend who invited me to it one time. It was at a Catholic church. We sat down to eat after the ceremony and I reached right for the plate of food in front of me. But not everyone at the table had received their plate yet. I just instinctively reached for it as soon as it hit the table in front of me. My friend had to correct me and tell me to hold off before eating until everyone received a plate.

When I was young and lived in the suburbs outside of Washington D.C. where I grew up, my dad would go deer hunting in the next county over. If he bagged a deer, he'd hang it from a tree in the front yard while he made steaks out of it. I was too young to notice but I imagine that probably played a role in shaping the way the other kids viewed me in school--through the actions of my dad. He wasn't well socialized either. He grew up in Idaho and when he passed he had almost no friends, certainly not a single close one. He always kept to himself even at home with mom and I.

What an oddball I grew up to be. Even my best friend from college and I get into spats often after only a few minutes of texting each other. I turn people away. No one wants me around their kids. No one wants to associate with me in public. I'm too free. I'm not "restrained". I fit in with no one around me anymore. Most people my age are married, have relatives, etc. Younger people I have an even more difficult time relating to. I'll say things to them and then feel like I shouldn't have been so candid.

Can't take me anywhere. Can't avoid me completely.

Hello. Or maybe "howdy" would be more in tune. I'm a son of a hick, two of them, both Mom and Dad. I grew up in the middle-class side of an upper-middle-class suburban town.

I tell people my story and the first thing they think is that I'm looking for pity. I hate people's pity. But if it weren't for pity no one would have anything to do with me. People would avoid me. I'm like one of Jerry Lewis' telethon kids. People think that if they lower themselves to associate with me, it will make them look charitable and win them social brownie points. I'm a poster child for uprootedness, or a fish out of water. Like "poster" children people just want to take pictures of me. But no more than that. "Look at the funny American hick."

Did my parents go wrong? Or did I fail my parents? It doesn't really matter. Dad is gone. Mom won't be here forever. When she is gone, there's nothing in this world for me to do other than add to the human-created pollution on the planet. Life for me is a waste. My existence is nothing more than an atrocity to the rest of the world. If there's a "right" thing for me to do in this world, I don't know what it is.

Don't ask me anything. Virtue is the currency in society and I'm flat broke now.

[LuckyR]

Dude, I hate to break it to you, but you're normal. The number of people who think the way you think and act the way you act is much, much higher than folks appreciate. They just aren't represented in the media, so are undercounted and underappreciated. True, a lot of them don't live on the coasts, but there are a ton of them everywhere. To use your example, overall more people will dig in when their plate arrives than will wait until everyone receives a plate.

[Lacewing]

If there's a "right" thing for me to do in this world, I don't know what it is.

Find something to love... anything... and listen to good music.

[Walker]

If there's a "right" thing for me to do in this world, I don't know what it is.

Find something to love... anything... and listen to good music.

Very nice advice.

*

Service purifies, satisfies, and structures motion around a purpose, which is living by a pre-conceived philosophy that constructs the world you perceive. But, the reason to serve is much simpler and visceral. The experience of serving creates pleasure, for you. Satchitananda.

[Walker]

...

Never-the-less, you are responsible for what you do, which is cause enough in itself to practice mindfulness.

[Gary Childress]

...

Never-the-less, you are responsible for what you do, which is cause enough in itself to practice mindfulness.

I didn't know you were a "socialist" Walker? Are you sure "soclialism" is evil? So when does the revision occur? Does it occur when your next candidate reaches the White house?

[vegetariantaxidermy]

An existential crisis can hit anyone at any time. It must be common or there wouldn't be a name for it.

And most people have terrible table manners these days.

[Gary Childress]

Dude, I hate to break it to you, but you're normal. The number of people who think the way you think and act the way you act is much, much higher than folks appreciate. They just aren't represented in the media, so are undercounted and underappreciated. True, a lot of them don't live on the coasts, but there are a ton of them everywhere. To use your example, overall more people will dig in when their plate arrives than will wait until everyone receives a plate.

I was fascinated with Heidegger's term "standing reserve" when I studied him under one of my professors at George Mason. I recall the phrase, "standing reserve for world mobilization". I suppose it's a bit like "replacement theory". Is it fact or opinion? Does it even matter? It's considered something important to read by some. So I tried to wade through Heidegger's writings. Looking back, at least I am able to put the pieces together now and realize how much more I appreciated and loved the "analytic tradition" in Philosophy. "Post Modernism" is like a cult to me. They hide their thoughts in darkness so that some can see and others cannot. Science tries to be open and upfront, or at least that's what I thought it was supposed to be. I'm not even so sure about that anymore.

Has "post-modernism" caused scientists to be fearful and stop sharing their discoveries? To be honest, I can't blame scientists. If someone doesn't want to share their views openly, then, given human history of destruction and warfare, how does a scientist know he's doing the right thing in sharing his knowledge?

It's like Enlightenment versus Endarkenment. Now I know the truth. After all these years, things are starting to make sense. It comes down to what a person fills their mind with, who they've been reading. Have they been reading good books or bad ones? And the ones who've been reading bad books always want to share their knowledge with others. If they don't then they'll never see for themselves what is wrong with those books, I guess. It's like they have no filter, no ability to discern right from wrong.

But that's just my personal view. I don't know what right and wrong are. I just know that I fear what is hidden more than I fear what I can see. But I'm no saint, no angel either. I'm just human. I have my problems, my weaknesses, my "sins". I watch pornography. I lust after women. All I've ever wanted in life was to find one special woman to bond with. But I didn't find one. Such is life. I'm comfortable. I live with Mom and play video games most of my time. When I'm not playing video games I just stare at the wall and ruminate about whether or not I should have done something in my life differently than I did. Sometimes I have regrets about things I said and did and sometimes I look back and think, gee maybe I'm not such a bad person for being a rude ass to so and so.

I've never murdered anyone. My worst crime I can think of is being hideously callous toward unattractive women and toward people with disabilities. At least that is, until I got diagnosed with "mental illness". Now I know what those people feel like. Now I know what it feels like to be ridiculed and mocked. There are three people I knew in life that committed suicide. Looking back I wonder if I said something to them to cause or else help cause their decision. I look back over what I said and replay it countless times. Each time I replay it, it comes out differently. Before I realized why words and deeds toward others have impact I thought I was free to say anything I wanted. Now I self-censor. But even that doesn't solve the problem. I'm a circus freak. I'm feral. I don't get along with any groups. The only people I enjoy being around are people who don't enjoy being around others. As you can imagine, it's a strange kind of "social group" to be a part of.

But as you say, maybe everyone is that way in one way or another. We're all our own guides. I'm not perfect but I've adapted. I couldn't tell anyone how they ought to go about adapting but at least I've adapted. I'm a friggen universe of one. all I can say is that this here universe among many begins and ends with me. It's not eternal and it didn't start with a "big bang". It began at some indistinct point when my mother and father did you know what. Or am I supposed to say, it started when the stork arrived? Fuck it. I'll be "uncouth" if that's what people want me to be. I'm tired of not being who and what I am. I'm tired of trying to be someone else.

[Gary Childress]

most people have terrible table manners these days.

You think others have terrible table manners? Be thankful you don't know me personally. My dad used to drive Mom and I crazy and embarrass the hell out of us when he'd blow his nose in a restaurant. I'm a "chip off the old block". Embarrassing others is a unique skill I possess. I try not to blow my nose in restaurants. I do it discretely if I absolutely have to instead of the loud honk that my dad would do.

But I still learn what is embarrassing to others and what is not. In the end, everything I do seems to embarrass someone. I don't do it intentionally but as I learn not to do things, it seems like the options of what I ought to do and what I ought not do are becoming ever narrower with the more new people I meet.

[LuckyR]

Dude, I hate to break it to you, but you're normal. The number of people who think the way you think and act the way you act is much, much higher than folks appreciate. They just aren't represented in the media, so are undercounted and underappreciated. True, a lot of them don't live on the coasts, but there are a ton of them everywhere. To use your example, overall more people will dig in when their plate arrives than will wait until everyone receives a plate.

I was fascinated with Heidegger's term "standing reserve" when I studied him under one of my professors at George Mason. I recall the phrase, "standing reserve for world mobilization". I suppose it's a bit like "replacement theory". Is it fact or opinion? Does it even matter? It's considered something important to read by some. So I tried to wade through Heidegger's writings. Looking back, at least I am able to put the pieces together now and realize how much more I appreciated and loved the "analytic tradition" in Philosophy. "Post Modernism" is like a cult to me. They hide their thoughts in darkness so that some can see and others cannot. Science tries to be open and upfront, or at least that's what I thought it was supposed to be. I'm not even so sure about that anymore.

Has "post-modernism" caused scientists to be fearful and stop sharing their discoveries? To be honest, I can't blame scientists. If someone doesn't want to share their views openly, then, given human history of destruction and warfare, how does a scientist know he's doing the right thing in sharing his knowledge?

It's like Enlightenment versus Endarkenment. Now I know the truth. After all these years, things are starting to make sense. It comes down to what a person fills their mind with, who they've been reading. Have they been reading good books or bad ones? And the ones who've been reading bad books always want to share their knowledge with others. If they don't then they'll never see for themselves what is wrong with those books, I guess. It's like they have no filter, no ability to discern right from wrong.

But that's just my personal view. I don't know what right and wrong are. I just know that I fear what is hidden more than I fear what I can see. But I'm no saint, no angel either. I'm just human. I have my problems, my weaknesses, my "sins". I watch pornography. I lust after women. All I've ever wanted in life was to find one special woman to bond with. But I didn't find one. Such is life. I'm comfortable. I live with Mom and play video games most of my time. When I'm not playing video games I just stare at the wall and ruminate about whether or not I should have done something in my life differently than I did. Sometimes I have regrets about things I said and did and sometimes I look back and think, gee maybe I'm not such a bad person for being a rude ass to so and so.

I've never murdered anyone. My worst crime I can think of is being hideously callous toward unattractive women and toward people with disabilities. At least that is, until I got diagnosed with "mental illness". Now I know what those people feel like. Now I know what it feels like to be ridiculed and mocked. There are three people I knew in life that committed suicide. Looking back I wonder if I said something to them to cause or else help cause their decision. I look back over what I said and replay it countless times. Each time I replay it, it comes out differently. Before I realized why words and deeds toward others have impact I thought I was free to say anything I wanted. Now I self-censor. But even that doesn't solve the problem. I'm a circus freak. I'm feral. I don't get along with any groups. The only people I enjoy being around are people who don't enjoy being around others. As you can imagine, it's a strange kind of "social group" to be a part of.

But as you say, maybe everyone is that way in one way or another. We're all our own guides. I'm not perfect but I've adapted. I couldn't tell anyone how they ought to go about adapting but at least I've adapted. I'm a friggen universe of one. all I can say is that this here universe among many begins and ends with me. It's not eternal and it didn't start with a "big bang". It began at some indistinct point when my mother and father did you know what. Or am I supposed to say, it started when the stork arrived? Fuck it. I'll be "uncouth" if that's what people want me to be. I'm tired of not being who and what I am. I'm tired of trying to be someone else.

Thanks for the more detailed description. I'm hearing several, semi-conflicting ideas. I hear some pride with where you currently are. I hear some disappointment with certain goals not met. I hear some description (could be justification) of how you got here. And maybe a hint of resignation.

I guess if viewed from a practical perspective, it boils down to: are you interested in being in a different space with a different outlook and a different persona?

My message is twofold, as I said earlier, there are absolutely huge numbers of folks in various parts of your boat and second it's definitely possible to move to a different spece, if (and only if) you're interested in getting there.

[Gary Childress]

Dude, I hate to break it to you, but you're normal. The number of people who think the way you think and act the way you act is much, much higher than folks appreciate. They just aren't represented in the media, so are undercounted and underappreciated. True, a lot of them don't live on the coasts, but there are a ton of them everywhere. To use your example, overall more people will dig in when their plate arrives than will wait until everyone receives a plate.

I was fascinated with Heidegger's term "standing reserve" when I studied him under one of my professors at George Mason. I recall the phrase, "standing reserve for world mobilization". I suppose it's a bit like "replacement theory". Is it fact or opinion? Does it even matter? It's considered something important to read by some. So I tried to wade through Heidegger's writings. Looking back, at least I am able to put the pieces together now and realize how much more I appreciated and loved the "analytic tradition" in Philosophy. "Post Modernism" is like a cult to me. They hide their thoughts in darkness so that some can see and others cannot. Science tries to be open and upfront, or at least that's what I thought it was supposed to be. I'm not even so sure about that anymore.

Has "post-modernism" caused scientists to be fearful and stop sharing their discoveries? To be honest, I can't blame scientists. If someone doesn't want to share their views openly, then, given human history of destruction and warfare, how does a scientist know he's doing the right thing in sharing his knowledge?

It's like Enlightenment versus Endarkenment. Now I know the truth. After all these years, things are starting to make sense. It comes down to what a person fills their mind with, who they've been reading. Have they been reading good books or bad ones? And the ones who've been reading bad books always want to share their knowledge with others. If they don't then they'll never see for themselves what is wrong with those books, I guess. It's like they have no filter, no ability to discern right from wrong.

But that's just my personal view. I don't know what right and wrong are. I just know that I fear what is hidden more than I fear what I can see. But I'm no saint, no angel either. I'm just human. I have my problems, my weaknesses, my "sins". I watch pornography. I lust after women. All I've ever wanted in life was to find one special woman to bond with. But I didn't find one. Such is life. I'm comfortable. I live with Mom and play video games most of my time. When I'm not playing video games I just stare at the wall and ruminate about whether or not I should have done something in my life differently than I did. Sometimes I have regrets about things I said and did and sometimes I look back and think, gee maybe I'm not such a bad person for being a rude ass to so and so.

I've never murdered anyone. My worst crime I can think of is being hideously callous toward unattractive women and toward people with disabilities. At least that is, until I got diagnosed with "mental illness". Now I know what those people feel like. Now I know what it feels like to be ridiculed and mocked. There are three people I knew in life that committed suicide. Looking back I wonder if I said something to them to cause or else help cause their decision. I look back over what I said and replay it countless times. Each time I replay it, it comes out differently. Before I realized why words and deeds toward others have impact I thought I was free to say anything I wanted. Now I self-censor. But even that doesn't solve the problem. I'm a circus freak. I'm feral. I don't get along with any groups. The only people I enjoy being around are people who don't enjoy being around others. As you can imagine, it's a strange kind of "social group" to be a part of.

But as you say, maybe everyone is that way in one way or another. We're all our own guides. I'm not perfect but I've adapted. I couldn't tell anyone how they ought to go about adapting but at least I've adapted. I'm a friggen universe of one. all I can say is that this here universe among many begins and ends with me. It's not eternal and it didn't start with a "big bang". It began at some indistinct point when my mother and father did you know what. Or am I supposed to say, it started when the stork arrived? Fuck it. I'll be "uncouth" if that's what people want me to be. I'm tired of not being who and what I am. I'm tired of trying to be someone else.

Thanks for the more detailed description. I'm hearing several, semi-conflicting ideas. I hear some pride with where you currently are. I hear some disappointment with certain goals not met. I hear some description (could be justification) of how you got here. And maybe a hint of resignation.

I guess if viewed from a practical perspective, it boils down to: are you interested in being in a different space with a different outlook and a different persona?

My message is twofold, as I said earlier, there are absolutely huge numbers of folks in various parts of your boat and second it's definitely possible to move to a different spece, if (and only if) you're interested in getting there.

I'd like to stick around with the stragglers. I'm in no shape to go anywhere. I can't even tie my own shoes anymore. But Mom likes to do things for me. It makes her happy and keeps her active. I try to help where I can break away from the Keyboard and if it's something I can do. The house is still in her name, though. It's hers. I don't make the decisions too much, though I give advice and clarify things for her quite a bit.

I'm learning a new way to get along with Mom now that Dad is gone. It takes some practice and getting used to but I want her to be happy. She and Dad stayed together for 62/63 years. I'm 56 as of 9/25/2023. I'd like to remain here for her too.

[attofishpi]

Sometimes I feel like others avoid me for good reason. I'm the prototypical "ugly American". I have no formal manners. No "restraint". I say things that others don't want me to say because it's not considered polite to respond in the ways I do. I'm a social ogre, an "unclean" brute. I'll mannered and defy conventions.

I remember attending a wedding with a female friend who invited me to it one time. It was at a Catholic church. We sat down to eat after the ceremony and I reached right for the plate of food in front of me. But not everyone at the table had received their plate yet. I just instinctively reached for it as soon as it hit the table in front of me. My friend had to correct me and tell me to hold off before eating until everyone received a plate.

When I was young and lived in the suburbs outside of Washington D.C. where I grew up, my dad would go deer hunting in the next county over. If he bagged a deer, he'd hang it from a tree in the front yard while he made steaks out of it. I was too young to notice but I imagine that probably played a role in shaping the way the other kids viewed me in school--through the actions of my dad. He wasn't well socialized either. He grew up in Idaho and when he passed he had almost no friends, certainly not a single close one. He always kept to himself even at home with mom and I.

What an oddball I grew up to be. Even my best friend from college and I get into spats often after only a few minutes of texting each other. I turn people away. No one wants me around their kids. No one wants to associate with me in public. I'm too free. I'm not "restrained". I fit in with no one around me anymore. Most people my age are married, have relatives, etc. Younger people I have an even more difficult time relating to. I'll say things to them and then feel like I shouldn't have been so candid.

Can't take me anywhere. Can't avoid me completely.

Hello. Or maybe "howdy" would be more in tune. I'm a son of a hick, two of them, both Mom and Dad. I grew up in the middle-class side of an upper-middle-class suburban town.

I tell people my story and the first thing they think is that I'm looking for pity. I hate people's pity. But if it weren't for pity no one would have anything to do with me. People would avoid me. I'm like one of Jerry Lewis' telethon kids. People think that if they lower themselves to associate with me, it will make them look charitable and win them social brownie points. I'm a poster child for uprootedness, or a fish out of water. Like "poster" children people just want to take pictures of me. But no more than that. "Look at the funny American hick."

Did my parents go wrong? Or did I fail my parents? It doesn't really matter. Dad is gone. Mom won't be here forever. When she is gone, there's nothing in this world for me to do other than add to the human-created pollution on the planet. Life for me is a waste. My existence is nothing more than an atrocity to the rest of the world. If there's a "right" thing for me to do in this world, I don't know what it is.

Don't ask me anything. Virtue is the currency in society and I'm flat broke now.

Gazza Y R U such a kunt?

There are three people I knew in life that committed suicide. Looking back I wonder if I said something to them to cause or else help cause their decision. I look back over what I said and replay it countless times. Each time I replay it, it comes out differently. Before I realized why words and deeds toward others have impact I thought I was free to say anything I wanted. Now I self-censor. But even that doesn't solve the problem. I'm a circus freak. I'm feral. I don't get along with any groups. The only people I enjoy being around are people who don't enjoy being around others. As you can imagine, it's a strange kind of "social group" to be a part of.

What about the countless forum members that have committed suicide after reading your posts?

[Gary Childress]

Sometimes I feel like others avoid me for good reason. I'm the prototypical "ugly American". I have no formal manners. No "restraint". I say things that others don't want me to say because it's not considered polite to respond in the ways I do. I'm a social ogre, an "unclean" brute. I'll mannered and defy conventions.

I remember attending a wedding with a female friend who invited me to it one time. It was at a Catholic church. We sat down to eat after the ceremony and I reached right for the plate of food in front of me. But not everyone at the table had received their plate yet. I just instinctively reached for it as soon as it hit the table in front of me. My friend had to correct me and tell me to hold off before eating until everyone received a plate.

When I was young and lived in the suburbs outside of Washington D.C. where I grew up, my dad would go deer hunting in the next county over. If he bagged a deer, he'd hang it from a tree in the front yard while he made steaks out of it. I was too young to notice but I imagine that probably played a role in shaping the way the other kids viewed me in school--through the actions of my dad. He wasn't well socialized either. He grew up in Idaho and when he passed he had almost no friends, certainly not a single close one. He always kept to himself even at home with mom and I.

What an oddball I grew up to be. Even my best friend from college and I get into spats often after only a few minutes of texting each other. I turn people away. No one wants me around their kids. No one wants to associate with me in public. I'm too free. I'm not "restrained". I fit in with no one around me anymore. Most people my age are married, have relatives, etc. Younger people I have an even more difficult time relating to. I'll say things to them and then feel like I shouldn't have been so candid.

Can't take me anywhere. Can't avoid me completely.

Hello. Or maybe "howdy" would be more in tune. I'm a son of a hick, two of them, both Mom and Dad. I grew up in the middle-class side of an upper-middle-class suburban town.

I tell people my story and the first thing they think is that I'm looking for pity. I hate people's pity. But if it weren't for pity no one would have anything to do with me. People would avoid me. I'm like one of Jerry Lewis' telethon kids. People think that if they lower themselves to associate with me, it will make them look charitable and win them social brownie points. I'm a poster child for uprootedness, or a fish out of water. Like "poster" children people just want to take pictures of me. But no more than that. "Look at the funny American hick."

Did my parents go wrong? Or did I fail my parents? It doesn't really matter. Dad is gone. Mom won't be here forever. When she is gone, there's nothing in this world for me to do other than add to the human-created pollution on the planet. Life for me is a waste. My existence is nothing more than an atrocity to the rest of the world. If there's a "right" thing for me to do in this world, I don't know what it is.

Don't ask me anything. Virtue is the currency in society and I'm flat broke now.

Gazza Y R U such a kunt?

There are three people I knew in life that committed suicide. Looking back I wonder if I said something to them to cause or else help cause their decision. I look back over what I said and replay it countless times. Each time I replay it, it comes out differently. Before I realized why words and deeds toward others have impact I thought I was free to say anything I wanted. Now I self-censor. But even that doesn't solve the problem. I'm a circus freak. I'm feral. I don't get along with any groups. The only people I enjoy being around are people who don't enjoy being around others. As you can imagine, it's a strange kind of "social group" to be a part of.

What about the countless forum members that have committed suicide after reading your posts?

Gee, thanks. Love you too, Atto.

[attofishpi]

Gee, thanks. Love you too, Atto.

Just a bit of healthy ribbing Gazza.

[Gary Childress]

Gee, thanks. Love you too, Atto.

Just a bit of healthy ribbing Gazza.

Well, my reply was was equally "healthy" in that case.