Death and Grieving, Mental Adjustments.

[Constantine]

I was taking care of my mother when she died, trifecta of a secondary infection from Covid, Shingles, then her cancer kicked in. She died in public in my arms back in April.

It happened about when I was supposed to start my midlife crisis. I've since moved to a better economy but don't really feel like I have anywhere to advance to particularly special in the start of my second half of my life. Stuff I can do, like write or hike and generic philosophical things.... but that has getting old all over it.

So noticed my sudden isolation from daily talking involved ex girlfriends popping up in their most sadistic moments gripping or complaining about what I'm doing at that particular moment. Example I was out hiking a trail, and trout fishers came out, and police blocked a hiking bridge to yell at a fisher.... so I had to hike around the cop through water and was making stinky water squishy noises. I was pretty ripe from the hike, but every person I passed on the trail I was self conscious of. Socks warm and moldy. They look at me, and I'd hear the prissy voice of a ex complaining about me. Over time one GF won out, and it is always her. I waste about a hour or two a day hearing this. If not instigated by others, it's the past or my plotting of a future. Always something negative to say. It's to the point of being a unreasonable characture no human would actually be.

I also found while I don't want to die, I don't particularly care if I live. Nothing special. No one special. No kids. No real point. I have a nephew. He is getting everything, but it isn't much. I'd be dissapointed if I was him. The constant awareness of my Mortality isn't new, as I'm ex military, but had more people to cause grief to if I died back then. Now, very little.

So trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I could probably easily fall into a step dad role and pass my time until old age hits. I'm also thinking of just taking a traveling job living out of a van and hotels exploring. I'm always studying and working on stuff in history and philosophy, so don't count that.

How have you dealt with psychological adjustment to death?

[Gary Childress]

I was taking care of my mother when she died, trifecta of a secondary infection from Covid, Shingles, then her cancer kicked in. She died in public in my arms back in April.

It happened about when I was supposed to start my midlife crisis. I've since moved to a better economy but don't really feel like I have anywhere to advance to particularly special in the start of my second half of my life. Stuff I can do, like write or hike and generic philosophical things.... but that has getting old all over it.

So noticed my sudden isolation from daily talking involved ex girlfriends popping up in their most sadistic moments gripping or complaining about what I'm doing at that particular moment. Example I was out hiking a trail, and trout fishers came out, and police blocked a hiking bridge to yell at a fisher.... so I had to hike around the cop through water and was making stinky water squishy noises. I was pretty ripe from the hike, but every person I passed on the trail I was self conscious of. Socks warm and moldy. They look at me, and I'd hear the prissy voice of a ex complaining about me. Over time one GF won out, and it is always her. I waste about a hour or two a day hearing this. If not instigated by others, it's the past or my plotting of a future. Always something negative to say. It's to the point of being a unreasonable characture no human would actually be.

I also found while I don't want to die, I don't particularly care if I live. Nothing special. No one special. No kids. No real point. I have a nephew. He is getting everything, but it isn't much. I'd be dissapointed if I was him. The constant awareness of my Mortality isn't new, as I'm ex military, but had more people to cause grief to if I died back then. Now, very little.

So trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I could probably easily fall into a step dad role and pass my time until old age hits. I'm also thinking of just taking a traveling job living out of a van and hotels exploring. I'm always studying and working on stuff in history and philosophy, so don't count that.

How have you dealt with psychological adjustment to death?

Sorry to hear about your mom, especially having died in your arms. That must have been very difficult.

My father died back in March. He died in the hospital of pneumonia and then cardiac arrest. He went in to get hip surgery. He ended up on life support and I had to make the decision to take him off because his living will stated that he didn't want to end up that way. Those events played on my mind a great deal for the next few months. Not sure if I can bring myself to trust hospitals anymore. I've had 3 relatives, including my dad and grandmother die of illness contracted in the hospital.

In a sense, I "retired" many years ago, probably in my early 40s (if not sooner) when it became evident to me that there wasn't much I could contribute to the world. No kids, no wife, not even any girlfriends, and no significant others besides my parents (who took care of me after I came down with severe mental health issues at age 25).

I studied philosophy in college and for a couple of decades after but there came a point when I realized knowledge and learning wasn't particularly helpful for me. Philosophy taught me to be skeptical and reserved and I don't see much point in pursuing anything else. As far as I can tell there's nothing particularly earthshaking for me to find out at this point. Either there's a God or there isn't and either there's continuity after life or there isn't. Nothing in this world is going to point me to definitive answers regarding those two things.

Mental illness has made me privy to the underside of social existence and I see little of value that I can impart on anyone in terms of wisdom or advice. So that pretty much leaves computer games and chit-chat on forums to keep me occupied and interested. Such is life.

Sorry again to hear about your mom.

¯\_(*_*)_/¯

[Constantine]

I've saved a few lives via my study of philosophy. It isn't useless so I don't lack purpose and never completely lost meaning in my life.... but you can do philosophy in any condition in life physically or financially so don't really count it in the scheme of things. It's a constant.

20/20 hindsight and all, but the pneumonia vaccine works on viral, not hospital borne bacterial versions. She caught it during the initial covid outbreak due to ulcers (not covid). She wasn't brushing her teeth as much, so likely entered that route. She nearly died as people just down the hall were dying daily of it, and a lazy nurse working on covid patients could of easily just popped her head in to check on her, infecting her. I sat with the door shut the whole time. I saved her and perhaps a few of the covid people stopping cross contamination.

[Wizard22]

How have you dealt with psychological adjustment to death?

I spend moments thinking about death, but not significantly. I imagine if falling severely ill, or diagnosed with a fatal disease, or engaging in extremely risky behavior, I might prepare for it. I do know that it catches the vast majority of people off-guard. Because people who "think ahead" and "into the future" are rare in humanity and nature.

The thought has driven me to decide how I want to spend the second half of my life though. I do have some plans to create some artistic works and endeavors, probably some philosophical writing too. I haven't capitalized on these, but not been in a rush yet. As time evaporates, the rush might kick in. Midlife and old age certainly do make your valuation of time exponentially important. I don't waste time like I used to. It's easier to judge most people and strangers, whether you want to include or exclude them into your life. These are abilities that come with age and wisdom: Judgment, Executive Decisions, Discrimination.

The really surprising thing to me as I get older, is how much I fear not for myself, but for family members or those I want to protect. I don't believe there's much Morality in Western Civilization that prepares most people for this. Maybe it's because most people are not set or expected to inherit roles of Guardian or Protectorate. People idealize Authority in the abstract, but not how they may inherit it in their adult lives. The idea of shirking all individual accountability and social/moral responsibility in the West is prevalent.

All that said, I'm not "afraid" of Death as say...most Christians, Fundamentalists, religious zealots are. It seems to me that the majority of people are so scared of death, that they blockade their minds completely from it, pretending it will never happen to them or those around them. Then they are shocked or surprised by it when it comes. So courage and forward-thinking, are exceptional. People find strength from others, those who can 'handle' it, when death comes.

[Maia]

I was taking care of my mother when she died, trifecta of a secondary infection from Covid, Shingles, then her cancer kicked in. She died in public in my arms back in April.

It happened about when I was supposed to start my midlife crisis. I've since moved to a better economy but don't really feel like I have anywhere to advance to particularly special in the start of my second half of my life. Stuff I can do, like write or hike and generic philosophical things.... but that has getting old all over it.

So noticed my sudden isolation from daily talking involved ex girlfriends popping up in their most sadistic moments gripping or complaining about what I'm doing at that particular moment. Example I was out hiking a trail, and trout fishers came out, and police blocked a hiking bridge to yell at a fisher.... so I had to hike around the cop through water and was making stinky water squishy noises. I was pretty ripe from the hike, but every person I passed on the trail I was self conscious of. Socks warm and moldy. They look at me, and I'd hear the prissy voice of a ex complaining about me. Over time one GF won out, and it is always her. I waste about a hour or two a day hearing this. If not instigated by others, it's the past or my plotting of a future. Always something negative to say. It's to the point of being a unreasonable characture no human would actually be.

I also found while I don't want to die, I don't particularly care if I live. Nothing special. No one special. No kids. No real point. I have a nephew. He is getting everything, but it isn't much. I'd be dissapointed if I was him. The constant awareness of my Mortality isn't new, as I'm ex military, but had more people to cause grief to if I died back then. Now, very little.

So trying to figure out what to do with the rest of my life. I could probably easily fall into a step dad role and pass my time until old age hits. I'm also thinking of just taking a traveling job living out of a van and hotels exploring. I'm always studying and working on stuff in history and philosophy, so don't count that.

How have you dealt with psychological adjustment to death?

I haven't experienced the loss of a parent, for which my sincere condolences, but I was present when my grandfather died last year, who had tested Covid positive, having apparently caught it in the hospital where he spent his final days, though was also very ill anyway, so I doubt it really made much difference. I was also present three years earlier when my grandmother died, also in the same hospital, after having had dementia for some years before that. These are not, in any way, pleasant experiences, but they are, nevertheless, experiences that I feel honoured and privileged to have been there for, and which I would not have missed. Being there, along with other family members, offering love and support, was immensely important, for everyone.

Moving forward, then, it's a truism to say that things will get better, time is a great healer, and all that. Your idea of travelling around has an appeal that I can fully understand, having considered something similar myself (though without the van), on more than one occasion, hiking through the wilds with my tent, for example. Not at all practical, really, for more than a couple of weeks or so, but there's no harm in dreaming, right?

The good news is that you are under no obligation to make any sort of decision about it at the moment. Who knows how you might feel about it in a few months, or this time next year, or whenever. Things have an interesting way of working out for the best, in the end.