~ WALO ~

[Bill Wiltrack]

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Throughout my life I have lived behind a wall.

The wall keeps me from the real world when I am frightened.

I am definitely behind that wall at this moment.

When I was young I was very sure of myself and comfortable.

Then reality knocked-down the wall between me and reality.

I was lucky enough at the time to begin reading a Russian philosopher.

I stepped into a few moments without the protection or security of the wall.

It was like a different dimension.

Things that I experienced & knew, I cannot know now. I cannot feel.

And from that point on, I thought I would chase that dragon.

I can't.

For the wall grew back. Built mechanically from fear. Raw fear.

Built as a protection.

And I can't break it from the inside.




And nothing else matters.








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[Philosophy Explorer]

Sounds like your security blanket. Should have posted it under philosophical counseling.

PhilX

[Dalek Prime]

I hope this wasn't caused by what we spoke about earlier Bill. It was meant to help, not tear down your defenses. Feeling lost is just that; a feeling, though uncomfortable. But that can and will pass for something new, if you look. Then it gets better.

[Bill Wiltrack]

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Understood. And thank you for your thoughtful response.


It's been 40 years since I experienced this set of events described in the original post.

I tried. then tried harder. I stopped. I pursued the opposite lifestyle. I returned to study. Did drugs. Played it straight. NOTHING worked.


I'm left with the old saying, The lord uses the good ones & the bad ones use the lord.

I'm just going to live my life. I will continue to reflect upon this event daily but I realize I am, nor will I ever be in a position to control, or bring about, this deep understanding experience.






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[Dalek Prime]

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Understood. And thank you for your thoughtful response.


It's been 40 years since I experienced this set of events described in the original post.

I tried. then tried harder. I stopped. I pursued the opposite lifestyle. I returned to study. Did drugs. Played it straight. NOTHING worked.


I'm left with the old saying, The lord uses the good ones & the bad ones use the lord.

I'm just going to live my life. I will continue to reflect upon this event daily but I realize I am, nor will I ever be in a position to control, or bring about, this deep understanding experience.



.

I have faith you can do this Bill. Find your foundation, and build from it through reason. And enjoy the search. I don't have all the answers either, and never will. But I've found enough to satisfy me, and sooth my days. And now I just putter for the joy it brings me. But living your life is key. You do that, and you'll get through it, no better or worse than those who think they have found the answer, because the answer doesn't change the outcome. It only eases the wait.

I still think you're a decent man, Bill, and always wish you well.

[Bill Wiltrack]

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I'm doing the same.

There is a deep, completely overpowering depression that sits just below my surface.

At times the depression enters into my living reality. For seemingly no reason.

The presence is so much larger than my entire being.


I understand it to be a type of deep emotion. So in that respect, I, at times, can take solace even within the moment.


I am able to do that more & more but still the depression more than not - holds me.



The emptiness...the entire emptiness of life.




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[Dalek Prime]

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I'm doing the same.

There is a deep, completely overpowering depression that sits just below my surface.

At times the depression enters into my living reality. For seemingly no reason.

The presence is so much larger than my entire being.


I understand it to be a type of deep emotion. So in that respect, I, at times, can take solace even within the moment.


I am able to do that more & more but still the depression more than not - holds me.



The emptiness...the entire emptiness of life.




.

I hear you, Bill, and understand. Do you recall the essay by Zapffe, The Last Messiah? Recall how he discussed distraction amongst other things as a necessity for psychic survival? It works. You just need to find that which you can enjoy, whilst keeping preoccupied. That depression might be close, but it won't have the same strong grip.

[Bill Wiltrack]

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You're right.


Good advice.



Stay strong.





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[Dalek Prime]

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You're right.


Good advice.



Stay strong.





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Thank you. I'll do my best. You too.

[Lacewing]

This comes to mind...

"Love as much as you can from wherever you are."

(Thaddeus Golas, Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment)

[Dalek Prime]

This comes to mind...

"Love as much as you can from wherever you are."

(Thaddeus Golas, Lazy Man's Guide to Enlightenment)

I'm not saying "care til it hurts", but if more people cared for the well-being of others when they truly and honestly need it, we'd live in a slightly better world.

[Dalek Prime]

...

Hey Bill. Would you be interested at all in taking up programming as a hobby? I could help you learn a language or so, and you could fiddle with some code for fun, logic and problem-solving skills. It's just a thought. Not pushing, but the offer stands if you are. Something to do in the off-hours, you know?

[Dubious]

...

Hey Bill. Would you be interested at all in taking up programming as a hobby? I could help you learn a language or so, and you could fiddle with some code for fun, logic and problem-solving skills. It's just a thought. Not pushing, but the offer stands if you are. Something to do in the off-hours, you know?

This is an excellent idea. When your involved in programming you forget whether it's day or night or if your broke or a millionaire. Best of all with the attention required you even forget about being depressed.

[Bill Wiltrack]

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I'm retired so, ALL my hours are off hours.

Do you know Javascript?

I actually almost began a basic Javascript course online but my computer's Wi-Fi got disconnected.


I know NOTHING about programming or writing script.


I've been interested in Bitcoin and especially Ethereum lately.


Do you have any experience in Javascript, Bitcoin, or Ether?





I thank you for your offer & your concern but I cannot escape the emptiness. It surrounds me and wafts through me unimpaired.


I think we are all the same.

We are victims of the wind.


And I don't perceive emptiness or even depression as necessarily a negative. Depression can be a deep emotion. Which in itself can be considered good or at least a precursor of a development of deeper emotions overall. I don't necessarily know...


But I don't feel bad about depression. I just want to feel.








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[Dalek Prime]

...

Hey Bill. Would you be interested at all in taking up programming as a hobby? I could help you learn a language or so, and you could fiddle with some code for fun, logic and problem-solving skills. It's just a thought. Not pushing, but the offer stands if you are. Something to do in the off-hours, you know?

This is an excellent idea. When your involved in programming you forget whether it's day or night or if your broke or a millionaire. Best of all with the attention required you even forget about being depressed.

Doob, I'm really glad I fell into the field. It's been a lifesaver. Do you have a favourite language? I'm a bit of a language geek, myself....

The offer stands if you change your mind Bill. I do more app and systems than web, so I'm rusty on JavaScript. But its very C-like, with objects, and all you need is a browser and text editor to work with it, so I'd imagine its a decent language to start with. But if you really want to have fun, I'd suggest a lisp dialect. Every other language wants to be a lisp, save perhaps Forth, and never achieve it.