I need to seriously talk about something

[Dubious]

I think I might have some potentially life threatening immune disorder along with my absence of pleasure. So I am now living a truly meaningless empty life regardless of what purpose I have in my life.

There is the difference between telling myself that my life still has joy and meaning as opposed to what my life actually seems like. I could truly think to myself right now that my life still has joy and meaning due to me having a purpose in this life. But that does not make my life seem meaningful and joyful at all regardless of how I live my life and regardless of what things I do in my life such as going out into the community, living for my family, etc.

...sounds like hypochondria is the cause of your depression. From much of what you write it seems you would be more depressed if you weren't depressed already. It's depressing going in circles around a depression cycle merry-go-round. I'd rather make myself obnoxious on other subjects meaning depressing others instead of myself. Philosophy Forums have so much to offer in that respect.

[Skip]

Begonias. Well, maybe geranium would be better to start. A cheerful red one.

[MozartLink]

I would also like to add something else here. The only way of life that matters to me is the type of life I want to live. I want to live composing in a good mood, no depression, and no potentially life threatening illness so that I can fully live to achieve my composing dream. If, for example, I developed cancer and had to instead live my life on a hospital bed, then that said life would be completely bleak, hopeless, empty, and meaningless to me regardless of how I live that life.

That way of life on the hospital bed is not me and nor would it ever suit me. Life to me is no different than a store. The only things I came here for are the things I want just as how a person comes into a store only wanting certain items that he/she came there for. But why should the customer pay any attention to the other items and why should they matter to him/her if he/she does not care about them and they have no use for him/her? That is what it would be like for me to live a life of depression, anhedonia, and a life threatening illness on a hospital bed. Why should I even bother with such a life since the only life that matters to me and gives me joy and meaning is the way of life I want to live? Why should a person be restricted and imprisoned from the way of life he/she wants to live? Why not rip out his/her life support in such a situation?

The only thing that matters to me in life is having a life that is all meant for me and all for myself to fully enjoy. A life with as much pleasure and as little suffering/illness as possible and for me to fully live that way as a composer. People would frown upon this. But why is that wrong? Why is that too much to ask for? All other ways of life that don't concern me are meaningless to me and to expect me to live such a life such as being in a hospital bed is no different than expecting an artist to live for a completely different career that does not concern him/her such as construction working, being a dentist, etc. when he/she had such a great talent to pursue and to fully enjoy in his/her life.

[Bill Wiltrack]

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Could you give me a link or youtube video of a sampling of your music thus far so that I could hear what is making your life worth while?




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[Dubious]

The only thing that matters to me in life is having a life that is all meant for me and all for myself to fully enjoy.

...everyone want's to win that lottery...the biggest one of all! The only drawback is you won't have much time left for composition and everything you do compose will be the Canada Dry version of Dom Perignon!

[MozartLink]

The only thing that matters to me in life is having a life that is all meant for me and all for myself to fully enjoy.

...everyone want's to win that lottery...the biggest one of all! The only drawback is you won't have much time left for composition and everything you do compose will be the Canada Dry version of Dom Perignon!

False. Just because I would choose to live a blissful life does not mean that I would procrastinate on composing and nor does it mean that my music would be lame. That said blissful life would result in the opposite. I would be encouraged even more to compose and I would finally be in a good mood (inspired) to compose awesome and dark gothic compositions. It is not needed to live a life of suffering in order to compose dark pieces. Being in a high dark epic gothic good mood can also do the same just as good and even better.

[Dubious]

The point is if you're a composer then you're going to compose regardless of what you're mood happens to be at the time. Talent trumps mood. Of course, there are some like Rossini and Sibelius who stopped composing in mid career being already famous and rich enough to enjoy the rest of life. Had they not they would likely have made themselves miserable due to an acute notice of diminishing creativity. As the saying goes, quit while you're ahead. Schumann wrote phenomenal pieces in spite of being bi-polar...which eventually got the better of him.

[MozartLink]

The point is if you're a composer then you're going to compose regardless of what you're mood happens to be at the time. Talent trumps mood. Of course, there are some like Rossini and Sibelius who stopped composing in mid career being already famous and rich enough to enjoy the rest of life. Had they not they would likely have made themselves miserable due to an acute notice of diminishing creativity. As the saying goes, quit while you're ahead. Schumann wrote phenomenal pieces in spite of being bi-polar...which eventually got the better of him.

I have to explain how vital of an experience my good moods are to me. My good moods are far more than what you are making them out to be. I would now like to move on and talk about the concept of my good moods (my pleasure) which I have lost due to a chronic 24/7 mental condition known as "anhedonia" as well as depression. Many people would say that pleasure is not all that important in life. They would say that it is nothing more than some pleasant feel-good chemical sensation. But they couldn't be more wrong. Sure, it is a feel-good sensation. But it is far more than just that. Rather than just simply looking at the idea of what pleasure is, it is also vital we take into account the experience of it for the individual. I could say to you that physical pain isn't all that bad and is nothing important simply because it is a chemical response.

But imagine if I sawed off your arms and legs. Imagine how awful of an experience that would be for you. So it is all about the experiences themselves. Forget about what the idea (concept) of pain and pleasure are. My pleasure (good moods) are experiences on a whole new level that you cannot possibly comprehend. They are a magical divine life force in my life. That is how I would describe the experience of them. No other experience in my life ever compares to them. It is for that very reason that they are the one and only things that bring joy and meaning to all things in my life. We are not talking some mere pleasant sensation here such as eating a tasty food or being rubbed on the back. We are talking about an experience here that I would not even describe as pleasure because to do so would imply that it is nothing more than a pleasant sensation. I would instead describe my good moods as being some otherworldly transcending life energy in my life.

They are life altering mental states and not mere sensations. This is what it is like. Imagine if a brain surgeon were working on your brain and you then woke up after the surgery. You are now in a whole new mental state entirely that has completely changed your entire life. So that is what my good moods are like for me. It is like waking up to a whole new life after a brain surgery. A life filled with complete joy and meaning. But now that my good moods are gone, then it is instead like waking up to hell and emptiness. My good moods are like the mother of all functions in my brain. They are the most and absolute powerful life altering functions along with depression since depression is the opposite experience of my good moods. Even the vital functions that make my heart beat and keep me alive are nowhere near in comparison to them. All other functions of my brain such as thought, sight, hearing, smell, etc. are nothing more than sensations in comparison. It's my good moods that bring the profound spiritual life force to them.

Therefore, no way of thinking alone can bring my life any joy or meaning at all since the experience of my thoughts alone without my good moods are nothing more than words and phrases that possess no joyful meaningful energy to them. It is all nothing more than a bland, dead, lifeless, intellectual energy that they possess. So many people tell me to change my thinking and that I can have joy and meaning in my life through focusing on a purpose in life as well as doing other things to bring joy and meaning to my life. But like I said, no other experience in my life ever
compares to my good moods. All other experiences are dull, bland, and lifeless. They all need my good moods to give joy, life, and meaning to them. It is our brains that give joy and meaning to our lives since our brains are what allow us to perceive joy and meaning in our lives through our consciousness (awareness). But the only form of awareness that can give joy and meaning to my life is my good moods.

Since no other form of awareness can bring my life any joy or meaning, then how can you possibly expect me to have any joy or meaning in my life while I am living a life struggling with depression and anhedonia (absence of pleasure)? It's no wonder so many depressed and anhedonic people are suicidal and I don't blame them for this. This goes far beyond being "selfish" as the mental health stigma department would claim. We are instead talking about an absolutely life depending divine experience that has been lost in these people's lives.

[Dalek Prime]

ML, may I suggest you look at Sarah Perry's book in my list of antinatalism books? You'll find it of interest and help. Any questions or other, feel free to message me if you wish.

viewtopic.php?f=15&t=15466

[Dubious]

What you describe are extreme sensations. When people feel good or positive they don't experience that as being some otherworldly transcending life energy. If they do it's only for a short time which is normal. Being temporary, it's loss is temporarily felt. People who through chemical imbalance or whatever live and desire the one extreme are forced to encounter the other...the feeling of annihilation, of being thoroughly discharged with consequent depression. I've had that feeling for a decade but it's not boiling only simmering with not much tidal movement. I don't believe this condition is particularly abnormal but by no means is it pleasant. What you describe, seems to me, needs re-balancing into a more neutral state of mind which preempts the extremes from lasting too long. It's then that creativity is most likely to assert itself.