Changing one´s life by changing one´s perspective.

[Dalek Prime]

Thank you for your input Lacewing.

I am not sure if chanelling can always work.
When a colleague talks to me like a supervisor in a penitentiary I cannot possibly do the same without starting a fight with her.
I don´t even have any experience with such a tone of the voice. I would need to practice a lot at home before.

My strategy so far: I imagine myself to be a nurse in a psychiatric clinic and I just ignore the inappropriate tone of the voice.

Duszek, I think you're doing exactly the right thing! I wasn't suggesting that you imitate the behavior of the person you're in conflict with. Rather, you identify some alternative approach (as you are doing) that is more effective for the circumstances than your typical approach might be.

We become more aware every second of our lives, don´t we ?

I don't think we become more aware at all as we age. We rely more on the mental model of the world we have built up over the years, and only become more aware when something unusual, outside the model, comes along, that requires focus and attention.

So apparently this is your experience, dalek -- and I can see that it is the experience of a lot of people. But it is not the only experience people can have. As I've aged, most mental models of the world have evaporated and NOT been built upon further, leaving me freer to become aware of new things (as long as I don't start building up something else). For me, much is outside of built-up models because I (personally) have come to think they can be limiting and hypnotizing. And this could have something to do with me having a past that made no sense and that I did not want to build on for the most part. And I'm not alone in having this experience. I think it's driven by one's personal desire to build on what one thinks one knows... or to drop that and explore beyond (perhaps even continually). My impression is that there is always an endless amount for us to become more aware of, and we can more so if we aren't focused on maintaining other stuff.

I think we have different ideas of what a mental model is, Lacewing. I'm talking about something deeper, that is automatic, and not just a belief system, if I'm reading you correctly.

[Lacewing]

I think we have different ideas of what a mental model is, Lacewing. I'm talking about something deeper, that is automatic, and not just a belief system, if I'm reading you correctly.

I can apply such concepts as deep and wide as you want to go! I don't typically think on one level or structure.

From my perspective, a person can repeatedly let go (of ideas and structures) and evolve and be increasingly aware on many and more levels. Even though many people might NOT choose to do so. I don't think there's a single correct way in regard to anything, nor (necessarily) an ultimate set of limitations/boundaries. We all simply have varying preferences on how to experience all of it, and whether to explore more possibilities as part of our experience. I really do think it is wide open... which (I guess) is why some structure-loving people find what I say very irritating. But hopefully they just ignore me and don't upset themselves with it.

[Dalek Prime]

I think we have different ideas of what a mental model is, Lacewing. I'm talking about something deeper, that is automatic, and not just a belief system, if I'm reading you correctly.

I can apply such concepts as deep and wide as you want to go! I don't typically think on one level or structure.

From my perspective, a person can repeatedly let go (of ideas and structures) and evolve and be increasingly aware on many and more levels. Even though many people might NOT choose to do so. I don't think there's a single correct way in regard to anything, nor (necessarily) an ultimate set of limitations/boundaries. We all simply have varying preferences on how to experience all of it, and whether to explore more possibilities as part of our experience. I really do think it is wide open... which (I guess) is why some structure-loving people find what I say very irritating. But hopefully they just ignore me and don't upset themselves with it.

Have you read The Ego Tunnel by Thomas Metzinger, Lacewing? You may find it of interest. I'll leave it there. Cheers.

[Jaded Sage]

The Four Noble Truths changed my life.

[duszek]

Some people tell lots of lies about themselves and thus make themselves appear like different people to their friends and acquaintances.

This can go for quite a time before the manipulee realizes he is being lied to.

Is it a question of "selling oneself well" or is it simply cheating ?

One girl told her boy-friend again and again that she had cancer and he believed it. He even admired her strength. The cancer was not true, and the recession was not true either.

Is it o.k. to create oneself a phantastic reality ?

[Arditezza]

You can create your own reality. We are all a perception of ourselves, as we are a perception to others.

It's not necessarily a lie, per se. We can choose to accept or discard varying perceptions of ourselves and others. We can choose to be as naïve or skeptical as we need to be to get to the truth that we are comfortable with inside of ourselves. Often our gut will tell us something is wrong with a manipulated perception that a person is giving off, but we ignore our instinct and we are implored to trust other people at face value. But people are multi-faceted and multidimensional, they often present the side of themselves that they want us to see regardless of how honest or dishonest it is because they need some kind of reaction from us to validate how strong their own perception of themselves is. We like to test our own self reflection to validate ourselves.

As for the woman who told her boyfriend she had cancer, and he believed and admired her strength... it would all come down in the end and two things would happen. She would be exposed and it would mar that facet of herself and expose her weakness, and for him it would make him question his instinct and trust values and perhaps focus his mirror and be more skeptical next time.

People who do lie and reflect something other then themselves are hiding weakness and insecurity that runs deep. They were never shown acceptance of their limitations and weakness, and have not know unconditional love. Their attachments to other individuals is tenuous and strained and often does not last very long because they do not know how to be honest with themselves. They are dependent on how other perceive them instead of finding the strength to look at themselves and finding their inner strengths and beauty.

I think self reflection is a hugely powerful tool, and I often apply it in every situation. I ask myself questions about my intentions and my actions and try to apply my own values to the situation and see if I am being true to myself. I find it gives me integrity within myself and that reflects to others in my actions after that.

We can be what ever we want people to believe as long as we surround ourselves with people who will believe in us.

[duszek]

How about this boyfriend being positive and telling her:

wow ! how good actress you are !
Tell me some other stories from your life when you made someone believe something that was made up.

Their union would survive then and he would look more closely and she would not dare to lie to him again.

Happy End !

I had once a friend who was a fake and I could not bear it and we split.
But with different people I might try to develop something in spite of the acting and pretending.

That could be the reason why some women stay with Casanova types no matter what.

[Arditezza]

There is a tendency in any relationship to apply a bit of the smoke and mirrors routine. A deeper understanding of why someone who is insecure would lie about themselves for attention or admiration, and then the person being lied to exposing that and allowing that person to know that they are admired without the lies and manipulation can be good for the original person.

It becomes dysfunctional only when the person who is the deceiver repeats the behavior despite the apparent love of the person being deceived. That's when it can break down.

We all make mistakes and we all lie to varying degrees in our daily life, even if it's something as small as not telling a friend that her blouse is ugly so you spare her feelings or as large as telling someone you have cancer because you believe it's the only way someone will pay any attention to you.

We have to be more patient with each other though, any relationship can be fraught with miscommunication and misconceptions. If we understand that people do and say things because of themselves and their own perceptions and it has very little to do with you and who you are, we begin to unravel the mystery of each other piece by piece. By retracting our own perception from their actions, we can start to understand more about what makes the other person do the things they do.

Also, by placing labels and judgments on people before we try to see, we can miss out on some things about the other person we might really find brilliant. So maybe that boyfriend knew something about that girl that was amazing or brilliant or beautiful and he decided that the one lie she had told was not enough to obscure that light once they understood each other.

We, as humans, tend to be less forgiving and less understanding than we should be.

[Dalek Prime]

Well, I'm sure there's plenty of.literature that touches on this subject. Off the top of my head, Pygmalion and The Great Gatsby .