GODDAMNIT! I'm at That Point...

[Bill Wiltrack]

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GODDAMNIT! I'm at That Point...In life where I realize that NOTHING in this outer world actually means anything.


Should I be relieved?

It's actually unnerving. Unsettling. Disappointing and strangely NOT freeing in any way for me.

I feel trapped yet - I'm not. Not at all.


Has anyone else reached this point?


Have you gone beyond this point?



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[Dalek Prime]

I thought you said your wife means a lot to you? Focus on that.

[Bill Wiltrack]

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Yes. My relationship with my wife is vital to my existence.


I take that for granted when it's seemingly going well.


I was kind-of looking beyond that relationship when I made this post.



Is it possible for you to respond in-kind to the thread itself, the way that I presented it?




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[Dalek Prime]

I've tried to kill myself twice now Bill. So yes, I've gotten to that point and beyond.

[Bill Wiltrack]

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Wow...Okay. Didn't expect that.


...so, are you telling me that you think relationships may help one to see their way past this huge emptiness?




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[Dalek Prime]

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Wow...Okay. Didn't expect that.


...so, are you telling me that you think relationships may help one to see their way past this huge emptiness?




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Not really. But any little thing helps. I've never really gotten past it, truth be told.

[Dalek Prime]

I'll use whatever it takes to get through the day. Then I'll work on tomorrow. And I'll do this until I smack my head real hard and wake up a raving optimist. Then I'll die a natural death.

Reminds me of Camus: "Today, my mother died. Or was it yesterday?"

[Dalek Prime]

You know what probably saved me? My brother killed himself. He was found rotting in a bathtub. He left a note. It said "Fuck, it didn't work!" I determined to wait out life after that.

Anyways, enough about me. Just take it one day at a time. And focus on the good that is.

[Bill Wiltrack]

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You are a deep soul. You have been given a full pallet.

Much fuller than anything that I have been given. Much, much deeper than the vast majority of us here I would imagine.

Good on you...



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[Dalek Prime]

Just remember to keep a sense of humour Bill. You lose that, you really are past the point.

[Bill Wiltrack]

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I will definitely keep you and what you have shared here in mind. Thank you for responding and taking this thread so seriously. We all need that type of brutal honesty to be expressed here more often.

I would suspect you may be one of the few true philosophers posting upon this site.



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[Dalek Prime]

I doubt I can take that credit, but there is no point to being anything but honest. And thank you. I'm a bit surprised I said all I did, really. I was going to erase it after, but then thought, bugger it. This is who I am, warts and all.

I just know that, as long as I don't lose it, I can keep taking it. And you can too.

This too shall pass. Remember that at your worst.

[Bill Wiltrack]

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I'm trying.

I hope your honesty and strength that you have shown in this thread somehow helps you along...



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[Dalek Prime]

I'm trying too, Bill. As I said, every little bit helps, and that includes sharing here. Thanks for listening.

[Ned]

Bill, you have to look at things in perspective.

A very good friend just celebrated her eightieth birthday.

Her husband of 60 years died the year before.

She was devastated, first time in 60 years she was alone in a big house.

Then she put things in perspective: she thought: "I have had a full life with love, children, happiness".

"I don't believe in afterlife and the here and now is still nice. Still so much to live for."

By her birthday she was serene and contended.

I wrote the following poem for her, for the occasion:

At eighty

At twenty we have more hormones than sense,
even though we live inside the minutes,
our dreams are mostly in the future tense:
true love, heroic deeds, untold riches.

At fourty we live firmly in the present:
children, mortgages, jobs, promotion,
our joys are mature, deep,
our worries scary, unpleasant.

At sixty we remember a lot
of all the things we have and haven't done,
living mostly in the past,
our future mostly gone.

At eighty we are way past caring
about petty things that bothered us before,
we don't have worries, debts, nagging fears,
we look forward to the next twenty years.


If you have not seen it yet, I suggest, take a look at my thread "On Death and Dying" -- you may find a few thoughts about what is worth living for.

viewtopic.php?f=5&t=15423

PS. I know that it is not the fear of death you were talking about, but the futility of life. However, the two are related: if you want to find something to live for, you have to fully understand death.