Bullying.

[duszek]

Yes, I can leave in real life, but at what price ?

That is the question one needs to answer and it is not easy to assess the pros and cons.

The problem on the forum I mentioned was probably that the man probably suffered from some kind of mental disorder and so other participants, rather normal and friendly, tolerated him because perhaps they thought that tolerating him was a sort of charity and he might improve and be less dangerous in real life. There are more than enough mentally disturbed people running around in the US, I heard.

I would have participated in the charity, why not, but he seemed to overfocus on me and this became too much.

And then another man became unfriendly and overfocusing too. Not a mentally disturbed one but one who worked as a nurse in a psychiatric ward and probably had lots of time to fill inbetween the rounds and so could be present on the forum a lot.

You say that I should analyse and learn. Yes, I like experiments in general. But the question is: do I really want to explore this area of knowledge ? Are there not better things I can spend my life time doing ?

[SpheresOfBalance]

Thank you Spheres of Balance.

So standing-up to bullies is taking up a fight with them.

And if you are disgusted by the sort of fight they want to involve you in ?

Framing, scheming, lying, fake friendliness, intensive poisonous friendliness to make you lose self-control ....

There seems to be bullying everywhere.
Even in John Le Carré´s novels.

Even on a forum like this one.

On another forum a man kept talking to me although I tried to ignore him. I couldn´t stand the hate he expressed towards me. Why he hated me he never said and I never asked. So I finally decided to leave.

But in real life you cannot just leave.

But you can create your own world, of peaceful, easy living, especially where your only attachment to these, evil people, is via this medium. Simply leave that electronic connection to them, to rot, decay and fall into disrepair, with the cobwebs of the past. Of course any that know of your actual physical location will either require you to stand and fight, no matter how distasteful, or pick up and move, to find much greener pastures! No one said it would be easy, but you must have the moral fortitude to say, "enough," and really mean it, then do whatever it takes to eliminate these negative forces in your life, one way or another, so as to finally have the peace of mind, you seek and deserve. Life is too short, and it shouldn't be anymore miserable, than nature naturally provides, to hell with mankind, if you can eliminate his selfish influence, one can finally see and accept that the naturalness of nature, really isn't a burden after all, as one finally harmonizes, with this beautiful miracle, we call life.

[Arising_uk]

How ?

Depends, are you talking about this woman at work again?

[duszek]

Yes.

My aim is to stop caring.
I could tell myself: she had a difficult childhood or some other explanation.

What is particularly difficult not to care about is the cold-blooded intention to hurt.
I do not mind if someone is stressed out and loses his temper.

[duszek]

One can get detached by filling one´s life with other activities.

Some activities are better than others.

Writing a novel is not a good one because one will write about the issue with the bully.

Voluteer work ?

[Arising_uk]

Yes.

My aim is to stop caring.
I could tell myself: she had a difficult childhood or some other explanation.

Sorry? You mean stop caring for her or for you to stop caring about the effect she is having upon you?

If the latter then the question you need to ask yourself is "What would it be like for me to stop caring?" or "How will I know that I've stopped caring?"

What is particularly difficult not to care about is the cold-blooded intention to hurt.
I do not mind if someone is stressed out and loses his temper.

Hmm...how do you know it's cold-blooded? How do you know they are not stressed out?

[duszek]

Yes.

My aim is to stop caring.
I could tell myself: she had a difficult childhood or some other explanation.

Sorry? You mean stop caring for her or for you to stop caring about the effect she is having upon you?

If the latter then the question you need to ask yourself is "What would it be like for me to stop caring?" or "How will I know that I've stopped caring?"

If I just tell myself: "Interesting". And watch like I would watch a fish in an aquarium.

[duszek]

What is particularly difficult not to care about is the cold-blooded intention to hurt.
I do not mind if someone is stressed out and loses his temper.

Hmm...how do you know it's cold-blooded? How do you know they are not stressed out?

I interpret the body language. I have no doubts.

One variation is to ask a personal question in a sweet voice but it is none of her business, and of all people I would not tell her anything about my private life.
What can I reply ?
"It´s none of your business." is rude.

You are an Englishman, you should be able to help.

[Arising_uk]

If I just tell myself: "Interesting". And watch like I would watch a fish in an aquarium.

Okay. So can you do this when you the situation arises? If not, what is stopping you?

[Arising_uk]

You are an Englishman, you should be able to help.

As an Englishman I would say, "I'm sorry but I don't discuss my personal life with anyone." or "I'm sorry I don't discuss my personal life.". If I wanted to be confrontational and blunt it'd be "I'm sorry but I don't discuss my personal life with just anyone." or you could be slightly funny "I'm sorry but I only discuss my personal life with my shrink."

[reasonvemotion]

Sounds to me like you work in a "care" environment.

Where mixing with the less troublesome patients is allowable, but makes it difficult for you to avoid. LOL

[duszek]

If I just tell myself: "Interesting". And watch like I would watch a fish in an aquarium.

Okay. So can you do this when you the situation arises? If not, what is stopping you?

My emotions.

Anger, disgust, indignation and the like.
They grab me and push me in the other direction.

How to control one´s emotions ?

[duszek]

You are an Englishman, you should be able to help.

As an Englishman I would say, "I'm sorry but I don't discuss my personal life with anyone." or "I'm sorry I don't discuss my personal life.". If I wanted to be confrontational and blunt it'd be "I'm sorry but I don't discuss my personal life with just anyone." or you could be slightly funny "I'm sorry but I only discuss my personal life with my shrink."

Thanks.

[Arising_uk]

My emotions.

Anger, disgust, indignation and the like.
They grab me and push me in the other direction.

Where do they grab you?

What direction do they push you?

How to control one´s emotions ?

Here's a method;
Imagine the situation you wish to change then;

1. Think about it from your position, 1st position, what are you seeing? Feeling? Hearing? Thinking?
2. Think about what the other is seeing, hearing, feeling, thinking when looking at you in 1st position. This is called 2nd position.
3. Now think of yourself as an observer, 3rd position, standing at the side looking at the two of you. Look at what you are seeing and think of what advice you could offer the one in 1st position.
4. Swap the one in 3rd into 1st and 1st into 3rd and check if 1st would be happy with the result. If not, swap back out to 3rd and ask 1st what they would change or what would be acceptable?

[duszek]

The advice is easy to give but difficult to execute:

If I am bullied I want to make a poker face, like Clint Eastwood, James Bond, and some other cool Brits whose names I don´t remember.

I would like to be a cold fish.