Are there any good options to fighting ?

[duszek]

I had to fight recently and I lost and was miserable.

I must be lacking a fighting gene.

It is a miracle I am still alive at all, under these circumstances.

Today I figured out a miraculous device (which I call in German: Wunderwaffe) which I am going to experiment with:

Being astonished.

No matter what, I am simply astonished. Ich wundere mich.

This helps not to get provoked by vilains.

Do you know other options to fighting ?

[Skip]

It depends on how badly the other person wants to fight.

My usual strategy is to be as polite and considerate as possible. I can think whatever I think of the other person - that he's ignorant, misguided, selfish, irresponsible... right down to asshat and s.o.b - but I don't have to say it. Even asshats and sob's have feelings. An aggressive ignoramus, if you give him the finger, might just take it. Also, I've found that most people don't want to think outside their boxes - and will bite off any fingers that poke a hole in their box. So, just don't.

On the other hand (the one with all the fingers still on), there are injustices and cruelties that must be challenged, even at the risk of losing a fight. You can't watch a bully beating on a child or dog, and just keep walking.

[Skip]

A friend of mine was in Beijing recently and reported a scene he witnessed. A traffic-cop stopped a woman on a bicycle and was giving her a hard time. A foreigner, my friend didn't know whether the policeman was in the wrong, but a small crowd of passers-by immediately gathered to side with the cyclist and berate the cop. That's in an oppressive regime. I can't see that much concern for one another among the citizens of free and democratic Canada. One could wish it, though.

[duszek]

Thank you skip.

The other person may know your weaknesses and for example use a lot of swear words because they know this is a strain on you. So you lose self-control and also say something ugly.

Why losing a battle then ?

Because I do not feel better after saying something ugly. I feel like a loser for losing self-control (pun non intended).

That is why I figured out the strategy of being astonished.

Another one would be chemo-dep-show (= pretending to just have left a chemotherapy and feeling strongly depressed anyway).
But if you are not good at pretending it may cost you too much energy and besides you would not enjoy this performance of yours.

That is why I moved from the show strategy to the astonishment strategy.

[duszek]

Perhaps everyone has a natural "emergency role" which he has to discover and which he can adopt in case of emergency (attack, mean irony etc.)

Some people may be good at yelling abuse, other people may be good at being indignant.

I wonder if my natural role could be that of being astonished.

Not afraid, or contemptuous. Astonished. (verwundert, zdumiona)

[Skip]

I don't see why that shouldn't work.
Another person i know deflects anger with humour. He has a talent for staying cool and finding the right kind of joke - not that will make people even angrier. My humour wouldn't do: i've been suspended from a forum for sarcasm.
One guy is just negative and rude all the time, so people - including myself - stay away from him.
And, of course, there is my SO's method: Olympian detachment. (not giving a damn)

You're right: everyone has to find their own style, a reaction they can sustain convincingly.

[The Voice of Time]

talking...

[Skip]

drones....

[Arising_uk]

...

Do you know other options to fighting ?

Running.

Barring that, try learning Russel Stutley's waveform and Richard Dimitri's Senshido for when you're caught.

[thedoc]

Do you know other options to fighting ?

Try explaining relativity to them, 'time frames' should be sufficently confusing to allow you to get away.

[duszek]

Thank you Arising and Thedoc, but I did not mean physical fighting, I meant mental and especially emotional fighting.

If someone is mean (with a mask of fake friendliness) then this is an attack which I have to deal with.

If you are married to a mean person you can get a divorce.
If you have a mean friend you prefer to be alone and to look for some other people to socialize with.

But if your colleague at work is mean ?
You may need the job, it is not easy to find a new one (especially if you are slightly autistic).

Autists perceive a lot and keep in mind a lot. This can be a huge emotional burden.

[Skip]

Then you need a mechanism for detaching - from that person, from the meanness, from the encounters you find hurtful.

Obviously, you can't just avoid him, because a mean person will notice that and seek you out. A mean person is usually very insecure inside his own head: he needs to make others small so that he can feel bigger. You probably can't help him get over that, but it helps you to understand how small he really is.

You need a mask to conceal your feeling from him. Astonishment or humour, blank incomprehension or fake friendliness - whatever you can keep up with the least drain on your resources. But you also need a way to see him as less threatening.

Are you familiar with Doctor Who? Imagine a Dalek. Big shiny scary machine... but inside is a slimy little octopus.

[duszek]

Thank you Skip.

But the direction you suggest (seeing through a contemptuous person) is something I am afraid of because:

1. Being an autist I am dangerously honest already. My contempt and my disgust for a person can be my doom.
I would rather try to get a poker face, to keep safe.

2. So what I am afraid of is not so much the mean person but rather my own honesty which I am not very well able to conceal.

What I am experimenting with now is ... trying to be some kind of Zarathustra. A different species. Who observes meanness as a scientist would an exotic animal.

So I also agree with the goal you suggest: to become detached, somehow.
But how ?

[duszek]

The mean person and myself we have different criteria.

So according to our own criteria each of us feels "morally superior".

You could see the whole situtation as a battle of criteria.

[duszek]

From a mean person´s point of view only losers and sissies and wimps have a problem with meanness.
Meanness is refreshing and dissipates boredom. Meanness is an expression of vital force.
Survival of the meanest.

What can you oppose to that ?