ethics of Surrogacy

[johngalthasspoken]

Is it ethical for a heterosexual man who wants children of his own to pay a woman to have a baby and then have her give up full custody? discuss

[thedoc]

Decisions like this are going to be very personal and both parties would need to be in complete agreement. There will never be one single policy that will fit all individuals. My self, if I were in such a situation, I would ask for full custody, but I would not exclude the 'birth mother' from contact with the child as the child grew up, in fact I would require it as part of the contract. Once the child is an adult, contact would be the decision of the child, but the mother would be expected to be avaliable. And I would have no problem with extended families, if the mother married and had her own children, or other surrogate children.

[reasonvemotion]

Is it ethical for a heterosexual man who wants children of his own to pay a woman to have a baby and then have her give up full custody? discuss

I would ask why the man would want to have sole responsibility, it seems a little unusual. It is always a plus as I see it if a child can have the advantage of both a mother and father present, (not all costs, of course) if both parties were well adjusted and loving.

A single man, buying a child?

[johngalthasspoken]

Is it ethical for a heterosexual man who wants children of his own to pay a woman to have a baby and then have her give up full custody? discuss

I would ask why the man would want to have sole responsibility, it seems a little unusual. It is always a plus as I see it if a child can have the advantage of both a mother and father present, (not all costs, of course) if both parties were well adjusted and loving.

A single man, buying a child?

I've always wanted children, and i've been lately having a strong fatherly instinct as a woman would have a motherly instinct. I personally understand being more happy single rather than a coupled life. I enjoy living by myself and keeping my own hours.I want a kid(preferably a boy), but I don’t want the stresses of a relationship and I don’t believe that precludes me from being a good father.Have you ever looked around our society and seen the high percentage of relationship failure and the traumatic effect this has on the child?Besides,I don't see any downsides in single fatherhood as opposed to single mothers.You hear this bullshit all the time about women being better providers ,protectors, and able to bond more effectively.why? because they’re female? Men are just as protective of their children. women drop off infants at public institutions all the time. This has very little to do with the parents gender and more to do with the individual .a man is held responsible for a child and mother and must support them regardless of the success of the relationship. Why risk loosing the relationship with your children? Women have no responsibility or cost in a failed relationship they are free to find another partner & will have no social stigmas and they will receive financial support from the father and the state.not to forget Child custody laws are heavily bias towards women these days.

I'm well aware of the staggering cost of surrogacy and i'm willing to pay the price.though costly, it's a relatively simple procedure. purchase the eggs ,use ivf for gender selection & pay a surrogate to have embryo implanted in her uterus.

In our society, we are more used to hearing about single mothers,but throughout the ages ,children, especially boys ,have been raised by their fathers. Most of western society don't seem to have issues when a single woman decides by choice to have a child without a father,and is often subsidized by the state. So why should it be any different if a man makes this decision?

[johngalthasspoken]

Decisions like this are going to be very personal and both parties would need to be in complete agreement. There will never be one single policy that will fit all individuals. My self, if I were in such a situation, I would ask for full custody, but I would not exclude the 'birth mother' from contact with the child as the child grew up, in fact I would require it as part of the contract. Once the child is an adult, contact would be the decision of the child, but the mother would be expected to be avaliable. And I would have no problem with extended families, if the mother married and had her own children, or other surrogate children.

i agree..and it's better to have the procedure done in states with favorable surrogate laws,as opposed to states with no surrogacy laws ,because your rights as intended parents will be protected..

[thedoc]

One question I would raise for John to answer, or any man contemplating this. How much time have you spent with children of any age? It is not unusual for an unmarried couple to live together and I can only assume that it is through this kind of arrangment that John has decided against a long term relationship with a woman. How ever it is not common for a man to take care of a child for extended periods of time, and believe me changing a really messy diaper can put you off the idea of having children. And then there is the willful defiance, temper tantrums, and howling crying meltdowns in public places. I bring these things up from experience, 3 children, 7 grandchildren, and 2 of the grandchildren lived in my house for 18 months and they are soon turning 3 and 7, and there was a considerable amount of time where I was the only adult care giver. Having a child in your care is not a decision to be taken lightly, and just as in relationships with another adult, some experience would be helpful.

[vegetariantaxidermy]

Do you think it's all that different from women who use a sperm donor to get pregnant? Admittedly it would probably be far more traumatic for a surrogate mother, but technically no different. The woman is donating her egg and the man is donating his sperm. I can't understand any woman wanting to put herself through that but plenty do.

[johngalthasspoken]

Do you think it's all that different from women who use a sperm donor to get pregnant? Admittedly it would probably be far more traumatic for a surrogate mother, but technically no different. The woman is donating her egg and the man is donating his sperm. I can't understand any woman wanting to put herself through that but plenty do.

Commercial surrogacy arrangements are prohibited in most countries but altruistic surrogacy is allowed..In India, it cost somewhere around 7000-8000$ to hire a surrogate,in Russia/Ukraine it's about 15,000$ and in the US it's around 30,000$.

[johngalthasspoken]

thanks for the reply doc... i can always count on my parents to help care for the baby in it's early years.

[reasonvemotion]

.I want a kid(preferably a boy), but I don’t want the stresses of a relationship and I don’t believe that precludes me from being a good father.Have you ever looked around our society and seen the high percentage of relationship failure and the traumatic effect this has on the child?Besides,I don't see any downsides in single fatherhood as opposed to single mothers.You hear this bullshit all the time about women being better providers ,protectors, and able to bond more effectively.why? because they’re female?

Somehow this sounds clinical and you are not telling all, but that is understandable as you are on a public forum.
Not all relationships are stressful, some are exceedingly fulfilling and the inclusion of a child, their child, in a loving relationship can be bonding and rewarding. You dont want the imprisonment of a relationship. If you have a child your life will change overnight, it will no longer be yours alone and forget about coming and going at all hours, your child will need you at all times, at all hours, every day and night.

].I want a kid(preferably a boy),

Fathering a child to a total stranger, you take the risk of not knowing what that child may inherit. What illnesses it may develop later on in life, could you cope with a child who developed a serious illness, like diabetes, epilepsy, asthma and needed care for the rest of his life.

I would not venture an opinion of whether a man or woman is the better nurturer. We are all human beings able to carry out the same duties necessary, except, breast feeding. You must be aware that being a parent is a difficult job, in all ways, physically and emotionally and some of us should never have children, but do.

Today, anything can be bought. That is the tragedy of the times we live in.

I only know that no amount of money would make it possible for me to surrender a child.

I would say wait a while longer.

[johngalthasspoken]

Thanks for the reply reasonv. from what i know,potential surrogates are always required to have a medical evaluation and pregnancy history to assess the likelihood of a healthy, full-term pregnancy.they are also screened for potential genetic disorders and diseases before embryos are implanted & made sure they are mentally and emotionally fit to proceed.the same with the egg donor..
btw,do you have any kids reasonv?

[thedoc]

thanks for the reply doc... i can always count on my parents to help care for the baby in it's early years.

It's always good to have family for support, but it must be considered that they may not always be avaliable. When my first grandchild was born I was 47 with a reasonable expectation to be around for many years, barring accident. That grandchild and the twins born 7 years later had 7 grandparents who all doted attention on them. My last 2 grandchildren were born when I was 63, and at that age the expectation of being around was not as sure, especially considering being diagnosed with 'congestive heart failure'. And in fact my care for the 2 grandchildren was interupted for health resons a few times. For my youngest daughter's children my wife and I are the only effective grandparents they know, there is another grandmother but her involvment is very infrequent and the other grandfather has not been heard from for many years. My older daughter has the other youngest grandson, but she lives some distance away, the other children are very close. This grandson has the standard issue of grandparents but lots of aunts and uncles and cousins, plus his name is followed by XV so he gets lots of attention from that side of the family. The point is that you should look carefully at your parents as support for this child, and still gather other family and friends into the circle of help for the child. Going it alone is the last thing you want to consider, not impossible, just very difficult and at times it may feel very lonely.

One more bit I will share with you, I was changing my 2 year old grandaughters diaper one time and I made myself a promise that I wanted to be around to help change her childs diaper. My daughter is 24 and was horrified at the idea when I told her, not the idea that I would be around, but the idea that her daughter would have a child and she would be a grandmother.

[johngalthasspoken]

thanks for the reply doc... i can always count on my parents to help care for the baby in it's early years.

It's always good to have family for support, but it must be considered that they may not always be avaliable. When my first grandchild was born I was 47 with a reasonable expectation to be around for many years, barring accident. That grandchild and the twins born 7 years later had 7 grandparents who all doted attention on them. My last 2 grandchildren were born when I was 63, and at that age the expectation of being around was not as sure, especially considering being diagnosed with 'congestive heart failure'. And in fact my care for the 2 grandchildren was interupted for health resons a few times. For my youngest daughter's children my wife and I are the only effective grandparents they know, there is another grandmother but her involvment is very infrequent and the other grandfather has not been heard from for many years. My older daughter has the other youngest grandson, but she lives some distance away, the other children are very close. This grandson has the standard issue of grandparents but lots of aunts and uncles and cousins, plus his name is followed by XV so he gets lots of attention from that side of the family. The point is that you should look carefully at your parents as support for this child, and still gather other family and friends into the circle of help for the child. Going it alone is the last thing you want to consider, not impossible, just very difficult and at times it may feel very lonely.

One more bit I will share with you, I was changing my 2 year old grandaughters diaper one time and I made myself a promise that I wanted to be around to help change her childs diaper. My daughter is 24 and was horrified at the idea when I told her, not the idea that I would be around, but the idea that her daughter would have a child and she would be a grandmother.

Thanks doc, you are so lucky to have all your kids & grand kids around you.

[reasonvemotion]

i can always count on my parents to help care for the baby in it's early years.

and Mom's basement? I don't believe a word of it.

[johngalthasspoken]