Fed up
Posted: Wed Nov 29, 2023 10:49 am
I gave almost all my savings to a woman that I wanted to love me. She was a single mom and at first, it felt like I was doing something worthwhile for her. Unfortunately, it meant nothing. It amounted to nothing. She's finally blown me off after I got mad at her for some of the shit she put me through. Now I'm a mess. My dad died about 9 months ago and I had to be the one to tell the doctors to take him off life support according to his living will that stated he didn't want to be on life support. I basically gave the word to let my own father die.
So I got mad at God. I got mad at people who believe in God. I got even madder at people who believe in a benevolent God. Now, on top of being broke and a patricidal son, I feel like I'm going to burn in Hell for being pissed at God and saying a lot of crap about him (assuming Christians are right and there is a God and the Bible is the word of God transcribed by human beings).
This has been a shitty year. If there is a God, then I'd like to think that God isn't a sensitive snowflake who gets bent out of shape over what an angry human thinks or says of him. I'd like to think that I won't go to hell because of it or because I don't go to church.
The woman who ditched me was a practicing Catholic. She introduced me to a Christian support group program called "Celebrate Recovery". We both attended the first time and then she stopped going but I kept at it for a while. I attended Catholic church with her once but she told me never to attend with her again because I was an embarrassment to her and her family for confiding in the priest afterward concerning having a problem with pornography. I felt like scum on scum's shoes after that.
I don't worship God. I'll never worship God and I'll never be a regular churchgoer. As far as I'm concerned, religion and theology are a joke. As far as I'm concerned, I don't owe God an iota of reverence. To be honest, if there is indeed a heaven and hell to follow this life, then I expect to go to heaven. After all the shit I've put up with in life, God is lucky I haven't taken up serial killing as a pastime. I've given to charitable causes. I've volunteered for charitable causes. Heck, my whole life savings went to a single mom to help her when she was flat broke and needed surgery (among other things).
No. After spending the majority of my life with mental illness, I won't accept hell. God owes me better than that.
But this is what is probably more likely the case. I suspect I'll disappear forever into oblivion when I go. I suspect that if there's a creator--based on the nature of this world--s/he doesn't give a rat's ass about human beings any more than God gave a shit about the cockroach I killed an hour ago that was crawling around on my computer desk. That cockroach probably didn't go to an "afterlife". It's dead, never to scurry around my desk again.
I grew up an atheist and became agnostic after studying philosophy. If that pissed God off, then he's had more than his revenge against me. We're even as far as I'm concerned. If a burning bush materialized in front of me and told me it was sorry for all the shit I've been through, I'd tell it not to bother. I'm beyond apologies. If Christ returns anytime in the near future, I'll tell him to fetch me a cup of coffee.
On second thought, if Christ returns, I won't bother to ask him for anything. There's nothing Christ can do to make up for this life. Maybe if I hang garlic outside my door and post a sign it'll keep him off the lawn.
However, just in case you exist, I'll see you in heaven, God. The food better be good. But if you send me to hell you'd better be thankful you're God and I'm not. Otherwise, I'd rip you a new one.
……..…../´¯/)………… (\¯`\
…………/….//……….. …\\….\
………../….//………… ….\\….\
…../´¯/…./´¯\………../¯ `\….\¯`\
.././…/…./…./.|_……_| .\….\….\…\.\..
(.(….(….(…./.)..)..(..(. \….)….)….)… )
.\…………….\/…/….\. ..\/……………./
..\…………….. /……..\……………..…/
….\…………..(…………)……………./
So I got mad at God. I got mad at people who believe in God. I got even madder at people who believe in a benevolent God. Now, on top of being broke and a patricidal son, I feel like I'm going to burn in Hell for being pissed at God and saying a lot of crap about him (assuming Christians are right and there is a God and the Bible is the word of God transcribed by human beings).
This has been a shitty year. If there is a God, then I'd like to think that God isn't a sensitive snowflake who gets bent out of shape over what an angry human thinks or says of him. I'd like to think that I won't go to hell because of it or because I don't go to church.
The woman who ditched me was a practicing Catholic. She introduced me to a Christian support group program called "Celebrate Recovery". We both attended the first time and then she stopped going but I kept at it for a while. I attended Catholic church with her once but she told me never to attend with her again because I was an embarrassment to her and her family for confiding in the priest afterward concerning having a problem with pornography. I felt like scum on scum's shoes after that.
I don't worship God. I'll never worship God and I'll never be a regular churchgoer. As far as I'm concerned, religion and theology are a joke. As far as I'm concerned, I don't owe God an iota of reverence. To be honest, if there is indeed a heaven and hell to follow this life, then I expect to go to heaven. After all the shit I've put up with in life, God is lucky I haven't taken up serial killing as a pastime. I've given to charitable causes. I've volunteered for charitable causes. Heck, my whole life savings went to a single mom to help her when she was flat broke and needed surgery (among other things).
No. After spending the majority of my life with mental illness, I won't accept hell. God owes me better than that.
But this is what is probably more likely the case. I suspect I'll disappear forever into oblivion when I go. I suspect that if there's a creator--based on the nature of this world--s/he doesn't give a rat's ass about human beings any more than God gave a shit about the cockroach I killed an hour ago that was crawling around on my computer desk. That cockroach probably didn't go to an "afterlife". It's dead, never to scurry around my desk again.
I grew up an atheist and became agnostic after studying philosophy. If that pissed God off, then he's had more than his revenge against me. We're even as far as I'm concerned. If a burning bush materialized in front of me and told me it was sorry for all the shit I've been through, I'd tell it not to bother. I'm beyond apologies. If Christ returns anytime in the near future, I'll tell him to fetch me a cup of coffee.
On second thought, if Christ returns, I won't bother to ask him for anything. There's nothing Christ can do to make up for this life. Maybe if I hang garlic outside my door and post a sign it'll keep him off the lawn.
However, just in case you exist, I'll see you in heaven, God. The food better be good. But if you send me to hell you'd better be thankful you're God and I'm not. Otherwise, I'd rip you a new one.
……..…../´¯/)………… (\¯`\
…………/….//……….. …\\….\
………../….//………… ….\\….\
…../´¯/…./´¯\………../¯ `\….\¯`\
.././…/…./…./.|_……_| .\….\….\…\.\..
(.(….(….(…./.)..)..(..(. \….)….)….)… )
.\…………….\/…/….\. ..\/……………./
..\…………….. /……..\……………..…/
….\…………..(…………)……………./
