Philosophy Now Forum

I sent this as a text to a friend a moment ago, and thought I'd post it here as well.

'At what point in our lives do we get to stop being run ragged for others, and live our own lives?'

I asked this question of her, in view that I am in a better position financially, and in every other way than I have previously, in my fifty odd years. And I've made all the big decisions all of us need to make in life. Yet I've never been so bloody exhausted by the demands of others. I'm self-employed so it's not employers I speak of. It seems even people who have no business in our lives, drain it. For myself, there are not enough hours in a day for me to rest it off.

Anyways, not really a philosophical question, per se, but I thought I'd put it out there to bounce around. Do what you will with it.

God, I'm so bloody tired.

take a nap

-Imp

I hear ya dalek. Just the other day my husband asked me if his mother could come live with us because she can no longer care for herself. Of course the answer was "yes". It's a no brainer.

So, for the next couple of days I couldn't even hold a conversation with anyone! My mind was mush. People would ask me questions and I would be like, "um...uh...yes? I dunno...what?" I could not concentrate.

I think its over-stimulation that is the culprit. Too much responsibility but at the same time wanting to do it all. I never saw myself as a caregiver...but now that the time has come I am sort of welcoming it...isn't that strange?

She is in hospice now...and they said if she responds well, she can go home to die...they think death will come anywhere from 2 weeks to 4 years. But one thing is for sure...she will not get better.

I am tired too..but it's time I pull up my big girl panties and get on with it...

The Buddha said: You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

The point is as early as the very beginning. It depends on how much you can undergo. You do not deserve to be run ragged. How will you serve others if you are run ragged? Will you not best serve others when you are the farthest from it?

But it must also be understood that it is possible to serve others to the greatest extent without ever being run ragged at all.

Dalek Prime wrote:I sent this as a text to a friend a moment ago, and thought I'd post it here as well.
'At what point in our lives do we get to stop being run ragged for others, and live our own lives?'

I asked this question of her, in view that I am in a better position financially, and in every other way than I have previously, in my fifty odd years. And I've made all the big decisions all of us need to make in life. Yet I've never been so bloody exhausted by the demands of others. I'm self-employed so it's not employers I speak of. It seems even people who have no business in our lives, drain it. For myself, there are not enough hours in a day for me to rest it off.

Anyways, not really a philosophical question, per se, but I thought I'd put it out there to bounce around. Do what you will with it.
God, I'm so bloody tired.

Good question, and can be answered on so many levels; psychological, philosophical, personal. Here's my first attempt:

We can ask what we mean by 'living our own lives'.
'Own': on behalf of oneself; in relation to yourself; to become fulfilled. To live one's own life can be to be 'on one's own; by yourself; alone, without help.
The 'life' we lead could mean any time from birth to now or until death; the amount of time anyone is alive/active. A way of existing in a mental and physical world where we are surrounded by others and own thoughts.

So, to 'live our own lives' can mean to become fulfilled by 'being all you can be' for yourself and in relation to others with all the desires, needs and compromises that it entails.

However, if we mean ' When the hell do I get to be me, and do what I want...?', that could reflect a frustration or a sense that we have missed our own opportunities due to lack of time and energy.

As to being 'run ragged' by others; are you sure it is others, alone, that are making you physically or mentally exhausted. If life strength is being sapped by others demands, then some control needs to be taken back. Otherwise your battery life won't last the pace; it needs recharging. Simple as. Imp has a point, 'take a nap'. Even if your time-out is only for 10-15 mins, it's good if you can decide to plan it into your day. After lunch perhaps. You do eat, doncha?

If exhaustion has another source - eg frustration, mental energy draining you ( too many thoughts; feeling of stress ) - then, still, it is about taking charge, if you can. This needs to be done for quality of life/time, as opposed to previous quantity of time allocated to 'self'. Being realistic about own expectations of what you can do. For example, the stress might be due to perception of what others expect of you, and trying to meet them, rather your actual capabilities - what your time and energy allow.

So, 'at what point in our lives do we get to stop being run ragged by others, and live our own lives ?'

Whenever you decide to take action, and address the problem.
The self comes first and foremost. If this is not cared for, then it will lose life and be no good to self or others.

Personally, I too find myself exhausted by - not demands of others, but by their needs - in addition to my own, it can be overwhelming.
When I wondered about where my 'self' had disappeared to, I took stock and thought about what I would for enjoyment. Fun times to relieve the stress. Also, readjusting the set, so that anything I might need to do for others is done from a sense of privilege and pleasure rather than obligation and must-do duty. Even if it is a pain sometimes !

However, when all is said and done: I am still living my own life. Whose else is it?

Jaded Sage wrote:The Buddha said: You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

The point is as early as the very beginning. It depends on how much you can undergo. You do not deserve to be run ragged. How will you serve others if you are run ragged? Will you not best serve others when you are the farthest from it?

But it must also be understood that it is possible to serve others to the greatest extent without ever being run ragged at all.

Good points, JS.
Similar to other pieces of wisdom picked up elsewhere. The take-home message seems to be, to be kind to yourself ?

artisticsolution wrote:I hear ya dalek. Just the other day my husband asked me if his mother could come live with us because she can no longer care for herself. Of course the answer was "yes". It's a no brainer.

So, for the next couple of days I couldn't even hold a conversation with anyone! My mind was mush. People would ask me questions and I would be like, "um...uh...yes? I dunno...what?" I could not concentrate.

I think its over-stimulation that is the culprit. Too much responsibility but at the same time wanting to do it all. I never saw myself as a caregiver...but now that the time has come I am sort of welcoming it...isn't that strange?

She is in hospice now...and they said if she responds well, she can go home to die...they think death will come anywhere from 2 weeks to 4 years. But one thing is for sure...she will not get better.

I am tired too..but it's time I pull up my big girl panties and get on with it...

AS, good to hear from you again. Yes, it's an accumulation of responsibility along with own problems. And how we manage it. Take care.

marjoram_blues wrote:

Jaded Sage wrote:The Buddha said: You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

The point is as early as the very beginning. It depends on how much you can undergo. You do not deserve to be run ragged. How will you serve others if you are run ragged? Will you not best serve others when you are the farthest from it?

But it must also be understood that it is possible to serve others to the greatest extent without ever being run ragged at all.

Good points, JS.
Similar to other pieces of wisdom picked up elsewhere. The take-home message seems to be, to be kind to yourself ?

Thank you. For me, the take-home message is that it is possible to serve others to the greatest extent without ever being run ragged at all.

Then again, I discovered this pearl of wisdom many years ago, and now it is like common sense to me, so I may not be the best judge.

Jaded Sage wrote:
...For me, the take-home message is that it is possible to serve others to the greatest extent without ever being run ragged at all.
Then again, I discovered this pearl of wisdom many years ago, and now it is like common sense to me, so I may not be the best judge.

Yes, that would be an ideal to achieve. The question then, is 'How?'
And would the 'How' work well for others?

I think that to manage this, and incorporate it into one's life as simply as breathing...would be fantastic. However, I think, even if it is common sense not to allow self to be overwhelmed, it is easier said than done.
It is interesting to hear how others cope with various life demands. And from whence come the words of wisdom...

At what point in our lives do we get to stop being run ragged for others, and live our own lives?

When you realize that existing as the other’s monkey is of no benefit to the other in the long run. Have you read the novel Atlas Shrugged?

Then again there's the alternative, which is the joy of service.

Same actions, different attitude.

marjoram_blues wrote:

Jaded Sage wrote:
...For me, the take-home message is that it is possible to serve others to the greatest extent without ever being run ragged at all.
Then again, I discovered this pearl of wisdom many years ago, and now it is like common sense to me, so I may not be the best judge.

Yes, that would be an ideal to achieve. The question then, is 'How?'
And would the 'How' work well for others?

I think that to manage this, and incorporate it into one's life as simply as breathing...would be fantastic. However, I think, even if it is common sense not to allow self to be overwhelmed, it is easier said than done.
It is interesting to hear how others cope with various life demands. And from whence come the words of wisdom...

Find a kind of service you enjoy. Ever heard the saying: do what you love, and you'll never work a day in your life? Fun never runs you ragged. No amount. Or if it does, you enjoy being run ragged.

My five pence:

I also feel too weak for lots of things in life, even for a vacation in Italy.
Only 51 kilogramms, migraines, needing cooked foods for breakfast etc.

The solution is to provide services to other people that fit your agenda.
No vacation in Italy but daily talks on the phone, playing chess and readings.

It´s mainly a question of good organization and then projects run on their own.
I take care in a way of a lonely person and I found out a way to do it that suits my needs too.

It´s a challenge to find a win-win solution because a person receiving something from us is happy to give something in return.
Otherwise this person would feel like sponging on us and this would create bad feelings.