Philosophy Now Forum

Depression gives our lives nothing but a dark, hopeless, and "dead" tone. For that very reason, you cannot have any good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in your life while you are depressed since those terms just mentioned all have a light, cheerful, vibrant, vigorous, and "alive" tone. You can actually have those things in your life. It is only during the moments where your depression passes and you are in a good mood that you can have those said things back in your life. Otherwise, as long as you are in a depressed mood, then your friends, family, goals/dreams, and your entire life will be engulfed in darkness.

You can still recognize those said things in your life as having good meaning and bringing you joy, love, happiness, and inspiration. But this is actually false since you are doing nothing more than just simply recognizing those things as having good meaning and whatnot. In other words, you are doing nothing more than telling yourself words and phrases (labels). It would be no different than if a blind and deaf person told his/herself he/she still has sight and hearing. Even though he/she can still recognize what sight and hearing are despite his/her blindness and deafness, he/she cannot have any sight or hearing in his/her life.

Our moods are what solely dictate the tone of our lives. Nothing else dictates the tone of our lives. As long as you are depressed, then there is no light that can be given off to you whatsoever from your friends, family, goals/dreams, and this life. You cannot perceive any light whatsoever in order to give good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration to your life. As long as you are depressed, then everything is still engulfed in nothing but darkness. Some people would say that we can have a positive tone in our lives to give good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration to our lives even while in a depressed mood. But this is false.

If you were severely crippled by depression and you looked at a ferris wheel at the fair and said in an extremely positive excited tone:

"YIPEE!!! I WANT TO GO ON THAT FERRIS WHEEL!!!"

Then that would be a fake expression. It would be forced and not genuine at all. You are acting positive and excited when you really aren't. So in that same sense, any positive, joyful, loving, inspirational, and cheerful mental state we think we are having in our lives while depressed, then that too is also fake. You cannot have anything positive in your life to look forward to and live for while you are depressed.

You would just be doing nothing more than simply thinking that you have something positive and thinking that you have good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in your life while depressed when it was never true. Not even through acceptance and adaptation to your depression. It would be no different than how a blind and deaf person can accept and adapt to his/her blindness and deafness. But he/she still does not have sight or hearing.

Since it would obviously make no sense and would be fake for you to express a positive tone while depressed, then it would only make sense for you to only express a depressive, "dead," and hopeless tone. As I said before, our tones are what give light (good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration) to our lives or darkness (bad meaning, suffering, despair, and pain) to our lives. Our moods are the only things that dictate our tones in life. So if you said to yourself while depressed that your life still has good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration, then this is a version of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration that has nothing but a depressive tone (depressive mental state) to it.

It is a version of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration that is engulfed in nothing but darkness. There is no light shining from it to give actual good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration to your life. Therefore, you wouldn't be having any good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in your life at all while you are depressed. Your family, friends, goals/dreams, and this life would mean nothing to you and nor would it bring you any joy, love, happiness, or inspiration. You would just be thinking that they do. But they really wouldn't at all.

It would be no different than if there were a piece of gold covered in nothing but muck and darkness and other people said:

"I see the light! This gold gives off a glorious and magnificent shine! Despite the fact that it is engulfed in nothing but muck and darkness, I will always live and have this shining light in my life!"

These people would only be deluding themselves. There is no light shining from that gold. It would be no different than how deluded religious people say:

"I see the light! I see the Son of God and the Holy Father!"

That light never existed. If someone were to say that and think that someone would be healed, then they would not be healed just because they believed in this light. So this version of light that these people think they are seeing is all fake. It was never there to begin with. I am an atheist here just to let you know. So I don't believe in the God and afterlife just as how I do not believe in this version of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration people say we can have in our lives while depressed.

But anyway, going back to my gold analogue. The only way for that gold to shine again would be to remove all that muck and darkness. So in that same sense, the only way for a depressed person to have good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration back in his/her life would be if he/she were to fully recover from his/her depression and have his/her experience of his/her good moods back to him/her. As with my gold analogue, it too would be nonsensical for a depressed person to say that he/she still has good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in his/her life. It would be no different than him/her saying:

"I see the good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life! This life and everything in it gives off a glorious and magnificent shine! Despite the fact that it is engulfed in nothing but muck and darkness due to my depression, I will always live and have this shining light of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life!"

It doesn't matter even if this depressed person put all his/her focus into other things and people in his/her life, that would still mean nothing to him/her and would bring nothing of any good value/worth to his/her life. Even the idea of helping/inspiring others and making the world a better place would mean nothing to him/her and would bring nothing of any good value/worth to his/her life regardless of what he/she thought otherwise. So with all of this being said, I have every reason to be convinced that good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration are not personally defined terms. They do not come through our way of thinking alone. They do not come through personally defining those said terms however we want through our thoughts alone.

It is instead our good moods alone that give us those things. It is living a depression free life that gives us good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration. It would be the functioning of our reward system of our brains that gives us those things. The more functional and healthy your reward system is, the more of those things you will have in your life. But if your reward system is malfunctioned, unhealthy, and is turned off due to depression, then you won't have any of those things.

Therefore, good, joy, happiness, love, pleasure, and inspiration are mental states like sight, touch, hearing, and smell. They are our good moods. They do not come through our way of thinking alone while depressed just as how sight and hearing also do not come through our way of thinking alone either. This is actually a theory of mine to test in a science lab. I have a very strong hunch that it could very well be true.

I mean, would it make any sense to say that a severely crippled depressed person on the brink of suicide has much more good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in his/her life than he/she did before when he/she was in the greatest good mood of his/her life? Not at all! If good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration were all personally defined terms, then this would mean that we can say nonsensical statements such as these.

For that very reason, I am thinking they are not personally defined subjective terms. Furthermore, there are far more depressed people who are suicidal than those types of depressed people who choose to live on. Even someone as moral and strong-willed as Robin Williams ended up committing suicide due to his depression. So that being the case, this just clearly says to me here that depression in of itself renders our lives having nothing but bad meaning and that it has nothing to do with our way of thinking.

There are severely crippled depressed people living most of their lives still not finding any good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in their lives. This is because they are like me. They can see the truth that one cannot have any of those things in his/her life as long as he/she is depressed. They are not deluded people. It is often the pessimists who see the truth. Optimists tend to be blind and deluded. So for that very reason, my theory just might be that more likely to be true.

It is like I said before. We need to find a way through science to create an eternal blissful life of no more suffering and to find a way to resurrect people such as me who have missed out on life so that we can live this eternal blissful life. I always need to be pumped up in a good mood in order to perceive good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life when living and being a composer. If, for example, I have composed an epic masterpiece, then I would obviously not just want to sit there all down and depressed and just simply acknowledge the fact that I did something in my life.

I would want to get all pumped up in a good mood from having done that. I would then want to be in a pumped up good mood from listening to my music. So that is my one and only reason for living and in being a composer. Just knowing that you did something great in your life and in helping others while being in a completely settled, bland, or hopeless mindstate due to your depression and absence of good moods is an utterly inferior mechanical robotic mental state as I already explained in the very beginning of this packet. I would not stand for one moment being lowered down into that utterly inferior, detestable, and mocking/insulting mental state.

I live to be all pumped up in an inspired and transcended good mood when pursuing my composing dream and composing. You do not realize just how rage-provoking it is to pursue such a great and inspiring dream only to be in a mental state that is nothing great or inspired. For me to pursue and compose such awesome and epic transcended themes for the characters and for me to be in the mental state of doing it in a hopeless, "dead," and mechanical way, that would drive me to a psychotic rage. I am not in the mental state that reflects the greatness, profoundness, awesomeness, inspiration, and transcendence of my composing which would be the mental state of having my good moods.

I do not live and compose just to simply sit there and know that I did something in my life and for others. That way of life is utterly inferior, rage-provoking, insulting, and is of no good value or worth to me. Instead, my sole reason for living is to be pumped up in a good mood from knowing that I did something in my life and for others. Since my compositions would be transcending themes for the characters since this is my personality I wish to express and expresses who I am as a person, then I also expect to be in the transcended mind state of my good moods. The transcending power of my compositions must enter me and give me a sense of transcendence. Without this sense of transcendence, then me and my life can be nothing good or great at all.

So my sole reason for living and in being a composer is to feel transcending energies (my good moods). To experience the transcending power of the worlds/environments combined with my compositions in order to make me feel "alive," feel pumped up, and to feel a transcended sense that would take me and my life higher. I wish to experience the joy, love, happiness, inspiration, and good meaning of this life and composing. My good moods are the only things that can achieve this. For anyone to call me any names for this would be the mental health stigma we all see today against depressed people.

My good moods are the one and only things that can get me very focused and completely dedicated to my composing dream. If I am down and depressed, then I see no reason to compose any longer and would just give up. I'm not depressed now. So this is the reason why I have gone back to pursuing my composing. My good moods are like my soul to me.

My reward system is like my soul. If it ever malfunctions, turns off, or becomes destroyed, then I am rendered as being nothing more than a lifeless zombie that can have no good meaning, love, joy, happiness, or inspiration in life. The more of a good mood I am in, the more spirit energy I have absorbed to increase the energy of my soul.

So my soul would have become something greater which would transcend me and my life into something greater. Depression is what destroys and cripples our souls while our good moods (the opposite) are what transcend our souls. But being neither in a good mood nor a depressed mood just simply neutralizes your soul and leaves your life having neutral (neither good or bad) value and worth. But like I said before, I do not believe in souls or the supernatural. I am just using a metaphorical description here.

Being in a depressed state does not enhance your mental functions at all. It does not make you more intelligent or creative. It might give you new ideas for works of art to express, but it is instead the cultivating and honing of our skills and talents that makes us more intelligent and creative.

We can clearly see what goes on with mice in the lab. The mice that are depressed show much more mental and physical impairments. They are much slower and hardly function. But the mice that have their reward system stimulated and are in a good mood, these ones show enhanced mental and physical functioning. Which all goes back to my point here. Our good moods are what enhance us. They transcend us and our lives into something greater.

Therefore, all the famous and great artists could of made works of art that are much greater if it weren't for their depression and if they were all in good moods. If they made their tragic and dark/gothic works of art through their good moods alone (their pleasure in dark/gothic and tragic things), then their works of art would of turned out to be much better. This is because their depression hinders and impairs their intellectual and creative abilities.

Depression impairs our mental functions while us honing our intelligence and creativity through studying up on things, thinking outside the box, etc. enhances our intellectual and creative functions. But us having both our good moods and honing our intelligence and creativity is what would result in the greatest enhanced mental functioning. There are studies that show how depression actually enhances our mental function, but these are all lies. It is the honing of our mental functions that enhances them as I stated earlier. So the depression in of itself does nothing. It only impairs and cripples us.

There are images (scans) of a depressed person's brain vs a normal happy and healthy human brain. The depressed person's brain shows much less activity and function while the normal person's brain shows much activity and function. So there is no way then that a depressed person can turn out to be more intelligent and creative from their depression alone. If they are more intelligent and creative than a normal and happy healthy person, then it would of been because of other factors instead. Depression is what turns us off (shuts us down) while our good moods are the opposite. They speed us up and enhance our mental functioning.

It is like how people take illegal drug and other reward stimulating drugs and their mental functions become enhanced, they are much more "alive," and they are much more inspired to create great works of art since they are in much more of a good mood due to the illegal drug and those drugs. So that is who I want to be. I wish to be the "high" and "pumped up" artist (composer).

Never in a million years would I ever choose to be the "low" composer who is down and depressed and/or apathetic. I would never and I would utterly detest being someone I'm not and living a way of life that I'm not. Not saying that I am going to take any illegal drug or any other type of drugs since I am well aware that they do damage your brain over time and even damage the reward system of the brain over time. So I could never do something so foolish. Especially since my reward system is all I have to give my life good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration.

Artists and composers tap into themselves by channeling energy in coming up with great works of art and compositions. They channel this energy mentally and this is what gives them the vision. They see and hear works of art in their mind. The better they are able to channel this energy, the greater the works of art created in his/her mind are. But if an artist were depressed, then they can't channel energy that well at all. They are crippled and sapped of their very being. They are "dead" inside. Therefore, their works of art created in their mind won't turn out that well at all.

Their mental functions are crippled and impaired. So they cannot create anything of much greatness at all. If they did create something great despite their depression, then it would only of been because they studied up and learned how to create great works of art. They also had some already existing intelligence and creativity to make their works of art great as well. But their works of art could of been far greater had they had their good moods to tap and channel into. Their channeling ability (inspiration) would be that much more enhanced and their works of art could of turned out to be that much greater as a result.

As long as you are in a depressed or apathetic mood, then your works of art won't turn out to be that great as they should of have if you had your good moods. So that is who I want to be. I wish to be the enhanced, transcended, and pumped up epic artist who creates epic and transcending otherworldly strange themes for the characters and their worlds through my good moods. I wish to have nothing stop me and bring my good moods down.

I wish to become greater and greater and create greater and greater compositions through my good moods alone. I do not wish to be that bland, apathetic, and lifeless, hopeless, depressed artist who says: "Welp, such is life and I just gotta do what I gotta do. I am going to do something great with my life anyway and help/inspire others." That way of living and being an artist is utterly inferior and nothing to me as I said before. It is living like that of a lifeless machine.

Sure, depressed people tend to think more and more and they engage their minds more and more. For example, there were many depressed people in history who were able to analyze situations and come to more conclusions than people who weren't depressed. But we do not need depression at all in order to do something like this. We can be inspired through our good moods alone to think, analyze, and come to conclusions as well as many other things.

Think of many of the blissful geniuses out there in the world today. So in that same sense, we do not need depression either to "inspire" dark, gothic, tragic, or any other work of art. We can be inspired through our good moods alone to create such works of art and they are much more likely to turn out to be greater since your mental functions are enhanced due to your good moods. Depression and other unpleasant feelings/emotions aren't the only things that have the serious and heavy tone necessary to create works of art that have a dark, heavy, and serious tone.

Our good moods can also have a heavy, dark, and serious tone to them as well. Just because you are in a good mood does not always equate to light-hearted flowers, sunshine, and rainbows. We as human beings are dynamic and have many upon many different types of experiences/perceptions. If we experience a good mood from something light-hearted such as sunshine and rainbows, then we would be in a light-hearted good mood.

But if we experience a good mood from something dark, heavy, serious, gothic, epic, and powerful, then we would be in a good mood that has a dark, heavy, serious, gothic, epic, and powerful tone to it. It would be a tone that would bring good meaning to our lives since it is not an unpleasant tone. It is not an unpleasant feeling/emotion. It is a good feeling/emotion. I myself am inspired through such good moods to create dark, epic, evil, powerful, and transcending compositions for the characters and their worlds. But like I said before, as long as I am depressed, then it takes all that away from me.

There are artists who embrace their depression such as Edgar Allen Poe and create dark works of art. They say things such as that the depression is a form of inspiration and brings good meaning to their lives. It is a form of darkness that inspires and brings good meaning to them. But this form of darkness is nothing but cold and empty lifeless dead empty space. It empties you of all joy, love, happiness, inspiration, and good meaning. There is nothing transcending or inspiring about being down in the grave like a dead skeleton that has all its flesh, blood, organs, and life taken away.

But there is the other form of darkness. This other form of darkness I would metaphorically describe as a hot and vibrant "alive" form of darkness that transcends you and your life into something greater. It would be like black electricity in a plasma ball. It is a highly evolved, superior, and transcending form of darkness. It is the new transcending darkness of the future that science has yet to discover.

Science has yet to reveal to us that our good moods are the only things that can give our lives good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration. As for this transcending darkness, it would be our good moods when they have a dark tonality to them. Darkness becomes cold, dead, empty, and meaningless when it takes on the form of depression and despair. But it becomes something hot, vibrant, alive, transcending, and full of good meaning when it takes on the form of our good moods.

It would be no different than if there were an evil villan who is smiling and is in a good mood vs this same villan in a down and depressed mood. The evil dark sinister good mood this villan is in would be the transcending darkness. But the depressed mood the villan would be in would be the crippling and life-sapping form of darkness. So if you were to be a villan, which would you choose? Would you choose to be the villan dominating and ruling the world in an evil and awesome sinister good mood? Or would you choose to rule and dominate the world in a crippled depressed mood in which you cannot even enjoy your world domination?

I think it is quite obvious virtually everyone would choose to be the villan in a good mood. So in that same sense, I would obviously want to be pumped up in a good mood when pursuing my composing dream, making compositions, and becoming a great composer. Never would I want to be a depressed person, depressed artist, or a depressed composer. Nor would I ever want to be in a neutral (neither good or bad) mood either which would be an apathetic mood. Our good moods are the light as I said before. When we have them, we see the light. But our good moods that have a dark tonality to them as with that given example with the smiling sinister dark villan, that would be the black light. It is darkness taking on the form of light.

Now it is our mental states that define the terms good, bad, love, joy, happiness, inspiration, suffering, despair, sadness, anguish, rage, etc. and it is not a matter of how we personally define them. Our mental states are what define those terms and not the other way around. How we personally define them does not define our mental states. For example, if you said that you being dead is a peaceful, joyous, or sad experience for you, then this would be false.

The activity of our brains is what defines all our experiences (mental states). It is us being alive and conscious that gives us all our experiences. So if you were dead, then you couldn't experience anything. It would be nonsensical for you to say that you are having a peaceful, joyous, or inspirational experience while you are dead. That is, if you are not a religious believer and don't believe in any supernatural experiences. But either way, it would still be nonsensical to say that.

So you can clearly see here how it is science that defines all terms. The world of morality and philosophy which is the world of personally creating our own meanings in life, this whole world is fake. So in order to have (perceive) good meaning, bad meaning, love, joy, happiness, suffering, despair, rage, etc., then we need to be in the actual mental state of perceiving those said things in our lives. It would have to be a matter of science (our mental experiences from our brains) that determines if we have those things in our lives or not.

As I said before, our moods are the sole determining factor here. If we are in a good mood, then we have good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in our lives. If we are in a bad mood, then we have bad meaning, suffering, despair, rage, etc. in our lives. If we are in an apathetic mood, then we have neutral (neither good or bad) meaning in our lives.

Now there is the difference between having a thought of joy, love, happiness, inspiration, anger, despair, sadness, grief, etc. as opposed to having the actual mental experience of those things. For example, if you were angry towards someone since you thought that person harmed someone special to you in your life, then if you were told and were convinced that he/she really didn't harm that person, then you would no longer be angry towards him/her anymore.

No matter how hard you try to be angry towards him/her, you cannot achieve the mental state of actual anger towards him/her. As long as there is no reason for you to be angry, then you cannot achieve the mental state of anger towards him/her. Even if you personally defined your attempted experience of anger as being actual anger, then that would be nothing more than just a thought. It is nothing more than saying labels (words and phrases) to yourself. But that would not give you actual anger since you need to be in the actual mental state of having anger in order for you to be angry.

With me having anhedonia and depression, I notice that my mental states of love, joy, happiness, and inspiration are all turned off. So I cannot have them in my life at all. Nor can I have the mental state of having good meaning in my life either. So if I told myself that I still have good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life anyway despite my anhedonia and depression, then I would be telling myself nothing more than labels. That would not give me those things. It would not give me the actual mental state of perceiving those things in my life just as how a blind and deaf person cannot have sight and hearing since he/she is not in the mental state of visualizing objects (sight) and perceiving sound (hearing).

I will give another example here as to how science defines all terms. If you were severely mentally impaired and you said that you are a greater person since you have chosen to help others and to make the best of your life anyway, then this is false. Since it is the functioning of our brains that makes us alive, then the more functioning of your brain you have that is responsible for your personality and other functions, then the more of a person you are. The less brain function you have, then the less of a person you are. More and less are terms used in science. You could say that a current has more or less voltage than another current.

Therefore, that being the case, then if a person who was severely mentally impaired said that they were more of a person than they were before when they had their full mental functions, then I could take a look at his/her brain and measure his/her brain function. But there is nothing "more" there at all.

He/she doesn't have any more mental functioning at all than he/she did before. So there is nothing more here. This "more" does not exist anywhere in reality. It is all imaginary and doesn't exist. So you can clearly see here how our personal created meanings in life do not exist anywhere in reality. They have no bearing whatsoever in reality.

One last example here. When we have bad thoughts, that causes a certain part of our prefrontal cortex to be active. It is the function that is responsible for our bad thoughts. Then we have the function of our prefrontal cortex that becomes active when we are thinking good thoughts. But then there are just the other functions that are responsible for just thoughts and nothing more. They are just thoughts and that's it. They are not good or bad thoughts.

So if you were having a bad thought which caused that certain part of your logical thinking area of your brain to become active, then if you told yourself a good thought while having that bad thought, then you would not be having a good thought as long as the function of your prefrontal cortex responsible for your good thoughts is not active.
You would just be telling yourself a thought (words and phrases) of good meaning in your life and nothing more. But you would not be in the actual mental state of perceiving good meaning in your life as long as that function of your thinking brain is not active. But like I said many times before in my previous topics, it is actually only our good and bad moods that dictate the good and bad meaning of us and our lives.

My good vibes (good moods) are what give my life good meaning as I said before. If I can't get any good vibes from anything in this life, then it is all empty and meaningless to me. As long as you are depressed, then you can have nothing but a bleak outlook on life. You cannot have any positive outlook. You cannot perceive any good meaning, love, joy, happiness, or inspiration while depressed. It really gets to me when I am composing and I have moments of depression. I feel enraged during those moments of depression since those are the moments where all good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration are taken away.

If I am doing something great and epic which would be my composing, then I expect to be in a great and epic mood (a pumped up good mood). If there is a version of love, joy, happiness, inspiration, and good meaning that just comes through us being focused on things like hopeless and dead lifeless machines, then that version is obsolete to me. It is not me and nor could I ever stand living like that for one given moment. Many Buddhists say to live your life in a content state rather than the desire of wanting to be in a pumped up good mood. I am not content being content. Being content is this completely settled down state that I would never stand being in.

Another thing Buddhists say is that it is our way of thinking that makes us suffer. That if someone struggles with severe depression and thinks that they are going through an unacceptable level of suffering, then the Buddhists would say that it is his/her way of thinking that is making that suffering so much worse. That if he/she changes his/her thinking, then the suffering would be significantly reduced even if his/her level of depression still stays the same.

But this is false. Our thoughts alone in of themselves are not any form of suffering, despair, anger, rage, sadness, grief, love, joy, happiness, or inspiration. They are all nothing more than just the "thinking" experience of our brains. They can only experience different thoughts. They can only experience the thoughts (words and phrases) of those terms I just mentioned. But they cannot allow us to experience those said things. It is only our good and bad moods themselves that bring us those said things. So as long as your level of depression has stayed the same, then it doesn't matter how much you have changed your thinking. As long as the depression is still at the same level, then your level of suffering is still the same.

I don't think anyone would be fine and accepting of a life that has no good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration. If you do, then I think that would be a mental disorder. I don't have that mental disorder and nor would I ever have it. Therefore, I will never be fine and accepting of a life of depression. Deluding ourselves is not a mental disorder since that is completely natural. That is, if you don't have schizophrenia which is a mental disorder that causes delusions. But I am not deluded. I know that my life can't have any good meaning, love, joy, happiness, or inspiration while depressed.

Now I will tell you what it is like to have no good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in your life. If you were pursuing a given goal or dream, then it would be like you are in a completely blank hopeless state. You are not actually into what it is you are doing. You are just simply doing nothing more than looking at what it is you are doing and doing it. You are in a completely "dead" mental state. Everything is "dead" (meaningless) to you.

Even if you said to yourself that you are going to do this anyway since it is good for the world, makes the world a better place, and is something for you to focus on, then that would be nothing more than just words and phrases you are telling yourself. That does not change the mental state you are in. You are still in the mental state in which everything is "dead" (meaningless) to you.

Therefore, as long as you are depressed, then you cannot have any good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in your life since being depressed is the very definition of this "dead" mental state that makes everything in life including your own family "dead" to you.

So a depressed artist who has the goal and dream of being a composer who creates magnificent compositions, then even his/her own works of art cannot mean anything to him/her either. Even if he/she used them to instead help and inspire others and to instead focus on others rather than his/herself, then even the idea of him/her helping and inspiring others cannot mean anything to him/her either regardless of what this artist thought and told his/herself otherwise.

Being in an apathetic mood (complete severe anhedonia) also takes away all good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in your life. But this is nowhere near as bad as depression which severely cripples you and renders you into a completely "dead" and hopeless mental state. But, of course, having our good moods is what really gets us focused and into our goals and dreams. It says:

"I am now ready to do this! I am ready to create some great works of art, share them with my family and friends, and to share them with the rest of the world to help and inspire others!"

We are no longer in that blank, dead, and hopeless mental state anymore. We are now joyful, happy, inspired, and have good meaning and good value/worth in our lives. I will say it here again one last time. Our moods alone in of themselves are what give good or bad meaning to our lives. If we are in a good mood, then our lives have good meaning. If we are in a bad mood, then our lives have bad meaning. Our thoughts alone independent of our moods do not give any good or bad meaning to our lives. They only give us nothing more than the labels (words and phrases) of good and bad meaning to our lives.

One last thing here. Many people would ask me something such as:

"Why do you need to live and compose in a pumped up good mood? I am just fine living with my depression and being in this "settled robotic" mental state. This makes no sense to me. I just don't understand this."

My answer to this would be that it is who I am as a person. I could also ask something such as:

"How are you fine living your life depressed and settled down like a robot? This makes no sense to me. I do not understand this."

I could also ask something such as:

"Why is it that this person pursues this career rather than this one? This makes no sense to me. I do not understand this."

It all comes down to the individual and who they are as a person. If I took the very things you as a person lived for away from you, then that would be the worst experience for you. It would bring you the worst depression.

For example, there are those types of people who value suffering and wish to have it in their lives. They value suffering and death. They could never live an eternal blissful life of no more suffering. Just the very idea of an eternal blissful life is absolute torture for these people. So that is who they are as people and is something I will never understand. It will never make any sense to me.

But you then have people such as me who only find the greatest good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in life through living such an eternal blissful life. Therefore, this is something that will never make any sense to those people either and is something they will never understand either.

So that being the case, you should not expect me to give up my life of good moods and be fine/content living that way just as I should not expect you to live an eternal blissful life of no suffering and to expect you to be fine/content living that way. You are different than me and you have your own way of life that suits you and your personality. I have my own way of life that suits me and my personality. Just as how a person who values suffering would become suicidal and commit suicide living an eternal blissful life, I too would become suicidal if I had to live my life depressed and without my good moods.

Now it is a well known fact that we as human beings are hardwired for survival. If we go through much pain and suffering, then it is our hardwired will to survive that allows us to continue to strive and push forward in life. It is this hardwiring of our brains that makes us think that we still have good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in our lives despite our agonizing depression. But I am not hardwired that way.

I am only hardwired to live an eternal blissful life of no suffering. It is not in my genes or the wiring of my brain at all to think that I have good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life while I am depressed and don't have my good moods. So that is the reason why I would have absolutely no will to live and pursue my composing dream if I were to live a life of depression and no good moods.

Many people would say to me that there is much more to life than just our good moods. But like I said before, that is not me at all. That is not how I see life at all since I am a different person with a brain that is hardwired different than yours. You see that there is more to life and that a depressed person can have good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in his/her life while depressed. But for me, I don't see anything more to life than our good moods. Just as how my worldviews would make no sense to you, your worldviews make no sense to me either. We will never truly understand one another. You will never understand my worldviews and neither will I understand your worldviews.

My good moods are more important to me than the air I need to breathe. They are profound and absolutely life dependent for me. Just as how depression is absolutely soul crushing and soul destroying, my good moods are the exact opposite for me. They are absolutely soul transcending and fill me with complete life, joy, inspiration, and happiness. Me having depression is also like the experience of those many people. It is also utterly soul crushing and destroying. I can never live my life like that. We need to find the way to an eternal blissful life and resurrection so that I and others like me can live the greatest life there is of no more suffering/depression.

So to summarize, you are simply stating that to be an inspiration creatively requires a necessity of 'good' feelings even where one may often relate their creativity to the negative aspects of reality, correct?

I think that you are partially correct. What I'm not sure you recognize is that depression, even if it has become a mental 'disease' is often a derivative of the culture you live in and how you are treated by others. I believe the creative successes of many are sincerely derived from experiencing depressed states but their capacity to creatively express themselves is often due to the stages where they are actually 'high' when they are most successful.

It is thus about the balance of extremes that often characterize the expressiveness of the artists. It is the bouncing to extremes of highs from lows that often contribute the best works of art.

Note though that some of the 'artists' we assume credit for their efforts often hide the actual creators behind the scenes that either lose the real credit or are hidden in obscurity. One such artist that comes to mind of recent times is Justin Bieber from my own country, Canada. He seems to be a kid who lucked out on his fortunate voice and 'cute' looks for the preteen audience. He, however, appeals to many not because of who he is but to the literal music written for him to play. If you've ever actually listened to his lyrics, they demonstrate an artistry of real intellectual depth that were written by other people relaying their feelings of frustrations growing up in that young teenage angst but expressed in the clever writings of people much more mature looking back on their lives in retrospect.

As such, the fortune of Justin's 'good' life enabled him to express himself with great skill but he owes as much to his benefit to the ones who backed him in the writing (composing) who likely did experience real suffering that Justin himself would be immune to. Note that even the music composed for him also was written by teams of others who also added to this.

So, I have to agree with you that the best inspiration comes through 'good' feelings but they are often derived more from how people overcome the 'bad' in extremes of lows and highs. I too am a musician and have found that without the inspiration of the 'good' you lack the internal motive to create in practice. But I've found that it is where you DO have such highs to which you lose, then the inspiration CAN come about. However, it is where you at least have 'hope' that such efforts can have some effect in getting what you LOST to be returned is where the best inspiration comes from. If you lose AND still perceive no 'hope', you also lose the inspiration necessary to create with affect.

This is NOT something you can forcefully command of yourself. Much of it has to do with mere luck of experiences. And since most compositions creatively appeal to relating to people regardless, it is the interactions you have with people in sincere highs is where such inspiration becomes most powerful. Yet, if you are at a point of severe depression, this in itself acts to isolate you from the very people that allows you the inspiration you need to compete in such successful creations.

There is no easy nor certain solution except to try to force yourself into participating with others in the hopes of getting those experiences. It is definitely easier said than done. And it is as much about how others treat you even without anything you can possibly do to affect them. Yet, this is the only best hope you have to get that experience regardless of the unfairness presented towards you.

And at least even being here to express yourself, I hope that others here help give you that 'hope' that there really are people who care and can possibly inspire you to some 'high' that you need to get that inspiration. Just remember that it is not the 'highs' itself that are enough, it IS the loss in light of the 'hope' you could gain for trying that will get you to that creative space.

Good luck. And thanks for your depth and sincerity here.

Scott Mayers wrote:So to summarize, you are simply stating that to be an inspiration creatively requires a necessity of 'good' feelings even where one may often relate their creativity to the negative aspects of reality, correct?

I think that you are partially correct. What I'm not sure you recognize is that depression, even if it has become a mental 'disease' is often a derivative of the culture you live in and how you are treated by others. I believe the creative successes of many are sincerely derived from experiencing depressed states but their capacity to creatively express themselves is often due to the stages where they are actually 'high' when they are most successful.

It is thus about the balance of extremes that often characterize the expressiveness of the artists. It is the bouncing to extremes of highs from lows that often contribute the best works of art.

Note though that some of the 'artists' we assume credit for their efforts often hide the actual creators behind the scenes that either lose the real credit or are hidden in obscurity. One such artist that comes to mind of recent times is Justin Bieber from my own country, Canada. He seems to be a kid who lucked out on his fortunate voice and 'cute' looks for the preteen audience. He, however, appeals to many not because of who he is but to the literal music written for him to play. If you've ever actually listened to his lyrics, they demonstrate an artistry of real intellectual depth that were written by other people relaying their feelings of frustrations growing up in that young teenage angst but expressed in the clever writings of people much more mature looking back on their lives in retrospect.

As such, the fortune of Justin's 'good' life enabled him to express himself with great skill but he owes as much to his benefit to the ones who backed him in the writing (composing) who likely did experience real suffering that Justin himself would be immune to. Note that even the music composed for him also was written by teams of others who also added to this.

So, I have to agree with you that the best inspiration comes through 'good' feelings but they are often derived more from how people overcome the 'bad' in extremes of lows and highs. I too am a musician and have found that without the inspiration of the 'good' you lack the internal motive to create in practice. But I've found that it is where you DO have such highs to which you lose, then the inspiration CAN come about. However, it is where you at least have 'hope' that such efforts can have some effect in getting what you LOST to be returned is where the best inspiration comes from. If you lose AND still perceive no 'hope', you also lose the inspiration necessary to create with affect.

This is NOT something you can forcefully command of yourself. Much of it has to do with mere luck of experiences. And since most compositions creatively appeal to relating to people regardless, it is the interactions you have with people in sincere highs is where such inspiration becomes most powerful. Yet, if you are at a point of severe depression, this in itself acts to isolate you from the very people that allows you the inspiration you need to compete in such successful creations.

There is no easy nor certain solution except to try to force yourself into participating with others in the hopes of getting those experiences. It is definitely easier said than done. And it is as much about how others treat you even without anything you can possibly do to affect them. Yet, this is the only best hope you have to get that experience regardless of the unfairness presented towards you.

And at least even being here to express yourself, I hope that others here help give you that 'hope' that there really are people who care and can possibly inspire you to some 'high' that you need to get that inspiration. Just remember that it is not the 'highs' itself that are enough, it IS the loss in light of the 'hope' you could gain for trying that will get you to that creative space.

Good luck. And thanks for your depth and sincerity here.

Thank you. But I really do think it is all about the highs. You do not need to have any lows at all in order for your life to have a greater sense of inspiration and whatnot. At least, this is what applies to me. The more of a high good mood I am in, the more and more highs (inspiration) I get. It is an ever-increasing cycle that I never grow tired of. I would get more and more high and create better and better compositions which would, in return, get me more and more high and make me create even more and more greater compositions.

Me being in a low depressed state just throws a wrench into that cycle. It does nothing more than takes away all good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life. But if I were to come out of my depression and be in a high good mood again, then that good mood is nothing greater than what I would of been if I never struggled with depression and had my good moods for my entire life. As a matter of fact, since my reward system would of been impaired in function during my entire struggle with depression, then when I get back into a good mood again, it would actually take me a while before my good moods are at the full function they used to be since it would take a while for my reward system to still fully heal and fully function again.

I'm not in disagreement with you. I'm saying that when you are 'high', with regards to artistic creations, it is the value of such highs you have in the company of others to which such 'highs' are inspired for creative communications.

If you simply get a high out of a drug, for instance, this can potentially aid you, but it may only be such an experience you share of yourself alone. As such, any kind of inspiration you could draw from it would entail creativity that only relates to you personally. Therefore, such 'creativity' you may derive from it is not shareable with others.

If the purpose of 'composing' is to appeal to other people, what attracts those others listening is how they can also reflectively interpret it upon themselves. But if you don't have the 'highs' with respect to the social factors involving others, than all you can relay in expression would appeal to those of similar experiences non-socially. This is still possible but is NOT as popular because people appeal mostly to how they relate to one another.

Thus, I am saying that if you want to improve your capacity to appeal to others through your creativity, you have to be involved with them, to take risks, and then to hopefully experience the "highs" among being with others. It is then the losses that inevitably occur from such investment in them that you become inspired. This is because you are correct when you say that extreme depressed states lack the motivating force needed. When we experience extreme long periods of isolation through depression, even the 'highs' you might locally experience would become your own and you lack even the incentive to bother caring to appeal to others inspirationally.

For instance, I might imagine a 'good' time I had with myself and perhaps feel 'inspired' to write some tune expressing this. But if I'm the only audience to which I even care to entertain this, then simply the thought alone is enough. That is, why would I need to pick up an instrument to play something that I can simply 'play' in my head? If the effort to try to actually play it would only appeal to my own self as an audience, while it might initially be interesting for something to do, since I would not be thinking such inspiration to appeal to others, it lacks the necessity to bother.

This is why I'm saying that if you fantasize appealing to others inspirationally, you need to be a part of others' lives in order to gain that inspiration that motivates you to actually produce for their appeal beyond yourself. Most depression evolves out of isolation due to the neglect we perceive of the world that is often very real, not simply genetic in origin. And while it is not necessarily one's own 'fault', if there is any 'hope', one has to risk at least trying to participate. It is about buying that lottery ticket in life. Even though the chances may realistically be against you, the only guaranteed odds of losing are to NOT buying into the lottery at all.

Let me add some more important things here for you to respond to. It is something much shorter that also gets my point across. It is in the form of some imaginary responses and my replies to them:

Response: If you were depressed, then would you still choose to write your philosophy and share it with others anyway?

My Reply: Yes.

Response: Then clearly it has good meaning to you. So I think this goes to show you here that our moods are not the only things that give good or bad meaning to our lives.

My Reply: This is false. If I was depressed, then I would be doing nothing more than preferring to focus on my theory, type it out, and to share it with others. It would be nothing more than just a preference. But that would still not give my life any good meaning, love, joy, happiness, or inspiration. I cannot live my life as nothing more than a mere preference. I need my good moods.

My writing is just something intellectual to me. So I do not feel enraged about the fact that I am not in a good mood while typing it. If I were very excited in a state of an intense good mood and I could not think, then even though my life would have the greatest good meaning, my life would then have bad meaning the moment I feel enraged since I am not in the right mental state for my writing. I am not in the intellectual mental state that is necessary for me to write my whole philosophy.

Same idea applies to my composing. My composing does not mean anything intellectual, settled, or hopeless to me. It does not mean anything like a biological robot focused on living and doing things in life. It means something transcending, epic, very profound, and powerful/awesome to me. Therefore, I must be in the right mental state for that. I must be in the mental state of having my good moods when composing and living my life. If I am in nothing but an intellectual state and I am not in a good mood while composing, then that would cause me to become enraged.

Some say that our thoughts alone can, in fact, be a transcending, epic, very profound, and powerful/awesome experience for us even without our good moods. But this is false. I do not see it that way at all. As I stated earlier, our thoughts alone in of themselves are nothing more than just the "thinking" experience of our brains that can only experience nothing more than words and phrases.

Many different composers compose different styles of music since they are all different people. They all have different personalities. Some composers compose in intellectual ways. They compose intellectual types of music. Therefore, them being in an intellectual mind state is what is important to them in life. Without that mind state, then that would cause them rage/depression. If they could only experience their good moods and could not be in the mind state of the very thing that means something profound to them which would be logic and intellect, then that would cause them rage/depression.

Their intellect is ingrained as a part of their personality. If you take that away from them and tell them to just be fine, accepting, and content living like that and that their good moods are something that can instead make their lives great and that they can be inspired and do great things in their lives alone through their good moods without their intellect, then that would be the most insulting thing to them. It would drive them to rage and depression. If I were to take away their intelligence, then that would be the worst thing for them.

So in that exact same sense, I am the opposite. I need my good moods. It would be utterly insulting for others to tell me that my depression can give my life good meaning and can inspire me to do great things. My good moods are ingrained as a part of my personality. I absolutely need them. My style (personality) is someone who is pumped up in a good mood who composes epic, powerful, awesome, and transcending otherworldly/strange themes for the characters and their worlds. So that is who I am. Other people might be depressed and/or anhedonic who value their depression/anhedonia who compose tragic, settled down, depressive, despairing, sad, intellectual, and apathetic compositions. So this is who these people are. You cannot expect me to be someone like you and nor can I expect you to be someone like me.

I am also someone who finds no value in being an atheist. I would obviously want to believe in the afterlife of eternal bliss of no suffering since that would at least give me thoughts of having something to look forward to after the end when I die from this worthless life of depression that I have lived. I would want to have this belief even if it is a false belief. That is who I am as well. You cannot expect me to be anyone else here either.

Since I am someone who only finds good meaning in life through my good moods, then I am also someone who only finds the greatest good meaning living an eternal blissful life. So me having the belief in the afterlife is also something ingrained in my personality that has also been taken away from me. Both my good moods and my belief in the afterlife have been taken away from me. I am now living my life as someone I'm not and a way of life I'm not. For that very reason, I detest this way of life.

I don't deny that you NEED good 'moods'. My point is that although you detest the bad, they too contribute to making worth out of your good moods by contrast.

I also do NOT believe in false optimism. In fact often I've noticed that severe outward 'optimism' is a sign of even worse depression that one is trying forcefully to present and comes off oddly caricatured and unreal. You mentioned Robin Williams, who to me represents just such an example at times. I have given the following picture recently to describe how and what the irony of this is as follows: What I am trying to convey to you is to accept that depression is a normal function even though it is unwelcome. Embracing it instead of trying to defeat it is futile with concerns to our very real chemistry AND real environmental circumstances. One major factor about depression is the isolation. Even those who opt to purposely isolate simply to get away, especially creative types, often presume that such space will enable them to have the luxury to create. Yet, despite such intents, often the opposite is true: that to escape or prevent isolation and to encourage one's creativity in means that optimize ones' good moods requires engaging with others, especially in a literally active way [not simply sitting behind a computer screen, that is.]

This means even presenting yourself with any excuse it takes to be more physical by taking the extra efforts to get outside for a walk more often. The people factor also adds value. Much depression acts as a force that makes one addicted to the very isolation that keeps one trapped. And I'm speaking even of my own experience here too. I'm personally nihilistic intellectually as you appear to be. I smoke and find extreme comfort being at home most of the time. Yet I know that with long exposure to staying indoors and away from people only amplifies the depression that naturally comes from being sedentary. So I'm suggesting to you that you find a means (or at least try) to get more involved directly with others. It is no guarantee of success but at least I can confidently say that without trying, you cannot discover this for yourself regardless.

If you are sincere about your composing, while it may seem unnecessary at first, try finding a means to get out and be more physically engaged with others. I'm not sure where you live or how possible it is with you where you are. But as an idea, one thing I've found most effective for this is group meetings in your community. AND, I also suggest that if you do involve yourself with such groups, try to resist simply joining those that only engage in sympathizing with each other's depression. At best, you might feel useful in helping others with similar issues with your intellect, but these may only also only amplify such bad feelings by a crowd who dwells on this in sync.

Let me also say something else here as well. If, let's pretend, that I were to live a depressed life in which I struggle with treatment resistant depression that I had to live with most or my entire life that could not get better, then I would give it my all at first. I would do my best to try and find good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life. But if this is all still nothing more than just the "thinking" experience for me and is still not any form of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life, then I would just give up living and being a composer right then and there. I would just end my life if nothing else can bring back my good moods.

My biological sense of reward (good moods) are absolutely vital, life depending, and I absolutely need them. Therefore, I must have a different version of them in my life through my way of thinking alone while struggling with this treatment resistant depression.

But it is like I said before, if this experience is something that I do not personally judge as being any form of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration, then I would give up on my life and my composing dream. The experience of my thoughts alone while depressed has to be an experience that I personally judge to be those said things I mentioned.

So far in my life while struggling with depression in the past, it has never yielded any experience (perception) of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, or inspiration in my life. But since I am aware that it takes time for the brain to adapt to suffering and depression, then who knows, maybe I just never gave my brain the chance to adapt.

If this adaptation process takes place and it is some miraculous process that somehow transforms the thinking experience of my brain into a whole new experience that is similar to that of the biological sense of reward (good moods) I had in the past that gave my life so much good meaning, then I would now have every reason to live and be a composer despite my struggle of treatment resistant depression.

This is because I would now have a whole new version of that biological sense of reward through my thinking alone which has been created due to the adaptation process. But if this adaptation process still does not change the thinking experience of my brain and that everything is still nothing more than just thoughts (words and phrases) to me, then I would not accept that life. I would no longer live it and I would end it.

My whole life experience would still be that of an utterly inferior, lifeless, dead, and hopeless machine. The only difference here would be that I would of lived my life more with this crippling illness and would have put more focus into more things despite this depression. But that would still bring my life no good meaning, love, joy, happiness, or inspiration as long as the adaptation process did not transform my thinking experience.

MozartLink wrote:Thank you for responding. I have read and listened to what you said. So here is another for you to respond to as well:

Response: If you were to develop treatment resistant depression and had to live most or your entire life depressed in a pretend situation, would you at least try to find good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in your life anyway?

My Reply: I would give it my all at first. But if this is all still nothing more than just the "thinking" experience for me and is still not any form of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life, then I would just give up living and being a composer right then and there. I would just end my life if nothing else can bring back my good moods.

My biological sense of reward (good moods) are absolutely vital, life depending, and I absolutely need them. Therefore, I must have a different version of them in my life through my way of thinking alone while struggling with this treatment resistant depression.

But it is like I said before, if this experience is something that I do not personally judge as being any form of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration, then I would give up on my life and my composing dream. The experience of my thoughts alone while depressed has to be an experience that I personally judge to be those said things I mentioned.

So far in my life while struggling with depression in the past, it has never yielded any experience (perception) of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, or inspiration in my life. But since I am aware that it takes time for the brain to adapt to suffering and depression, then who knows, maybe I just never gave my brain the chance to adapt.

If this adaptation process takes place and it is some miraculous process that somehow transforms the thinking experience of my brain into a whole new experience that is similar to that of the biological sense of reward (good moods) I had in the past that gave my life so much good meaning, then I would now have every reason to live and be a composer despite my struggle of treatment resistant depression.

This is because I would now have a whole new version of that biological sense of reward through my thinking alone which has been created due to the adaptation process. But if this adaptation process still does not change the thinking experience of my brain and that everything is still nothing more than just thoughts (words and phrases) to me, then I would not accept that life. I would no longer live it and I would end it.

My whole life experience would still be that of an utterly inferior, lifeless, dead, and hopeless machine. The only difference here would be that I would of lived my life more with this crippling illness and would have put more focus into more things despite this depression. But that would still bring my life no good meaning, love, joy, happiness, or inspiration as long as the adaptation process did not transform my thinking experience.

I already recognize the function of chemistry as sincerely affecting the mind in a way that does this. It somewhat bothers me that some presume that ones nature to be depressed is solely genetic. While this is 'true' in part, much of our brain chemistry is a product of environmental conditioning, especially, but not limited to, ones' youth. Even something as apparently insignificant as a flu can influence how one can become 'damaged'. But since environment has a big factor here, it may be at least partially reversed or medication can help to neutralize these to some degree. None are yet panaceas and often cause other side effects. But you can't presume that this state of mind is necessarily assured permanent.

I also understand the idea of suicide as a 'solution' to one's rational justification no different than those who live life to the extreme who risk their lives at almost every chance they get who don't suffer depression normally. It's a do or die mentality that logically makes sense.

Now you mention that thinking itself is helpful in your composing, yet then also defeat this in doom too. But if you think of the option of suicide, while this can be understandable, I ask you to now use the intelligence granted to you to think of the possibility that no matter what you may 'try', your conscious mind will not perceive you as ever succeeding. Instead, you may appear to 'survive' intact only to remain 'consistent' with nature, you then have real wounds to contend with that could only get worse as you suffer in more agony. I am not a psychiatrist and so cannot prescribe anything specific to you. However, I know that there are some medications that can help curb the emotions by nullifying the extremes. Just like constant dieters 'yo-yo' to extremes, depression does this too. And so this kind of medication can help. It may make you overtly unmotivated and gain you weight, but if you work with a psychiatrist, you can perhaps find a means to use some of their recommended medication even temporarily to stop the extreme bouncing.

I have to ask you to also consider that even while as depressed as you can get, if you opt out, you are only limiting even the lottery odds of experiencing a time where you may feel completely different in the future.

Scott Mayers wrote:

MozartLink wrote:Thank you for responding. I have read and listened to what you said. So here is another for you to respond to as well:

Response: If you were to develop treatment resistant depression and had to live most or your entire life depressed in a pretend situation, would you at least try to find good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in your life anyway?

My Reply: I would give it my all at first. But if this is all still nothing more than just the "thinking" experience for me and is still not any form of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration in my life, then I would just give up living and being a composer right then and there. I would just end my life if nothing else can bring back my good moods.

My biological sense of reward (good moods) are absolutely vital, life depending, and I absolutely need them. Therefore, I must have a different version of them in my life through my way of thinking alone while struggling with this treatment resistant depression.

But it is like I said before, if this experience is something that I do not personally judge as being any form of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, and inspiration, then I would give up on my life and my composing dream. The experience of my thoughts alone while depressed has to be an experience that I personally judge to be those said things I mentioned.

So far in my life while struggling with depression in the past, it has never yielded any experience (perception) of good meaning, love, joy, happiness, or inspiration in my life. But since I am aware that it takes time for the brain to adapt to suffering and depression, then who knows, maybe I just never gave my brain the chance to adapt.

If this adaptation process takes place and it is some miraculous process that somehow transforms the thinking experience of my brain into a whole new experience that is similar to that of the biological sense of reward (good moods) I had in the past that gave my life so much good meaning, then I would now have every reason to live and be a composer despite my struggle of treatment resistant depression.

This is because I would now have a whole new version of that biological sense of reward through my thinking alone which has been created due to the adaptation process. But if this adaptation process still does not change the thinking experience of my brain and that everything is still nothing more than just thoughts (words and phrases) to me, then I would not accept that life. I would no longer live it and I would end it.

My whole life experience would still be that of an utterly inferior, lifeless, dead, and hopeless machine. The only difference here would be that I would of lived my life more with this crippling illness and would have put more focus into more things despite this depression. But that would still bring my life no good meaning, love, joy, happiness, or inspiration as long as the adaptation process did not transform my thinking experience.

I already recognize the function of chemistry as sincerely affecting the mind in a way that does this. It somewhat bothers me that some presume that ones nature to be depressed is solely genetic. While this is 'true' in part, much of our brain chemistry is a product of environmental conditioning, especially, but not limited to, ones' youth. Even something as apparently insignificant as a flu can influence how one can become 'damaged'. But since environment has a big factor here, it may be at least partially reversed or medication can help to neutralize these to some degree. None are yet panaceas and often cause other side effects. But you can't presume that this state of mind is necessarily assured permanent.

I also understand the idea of suicide as a 'solution' to one's rational justification no different than those who live life to the extreme who risk their lives at almost every chance they get who don't suffer depression normally. It's a do or die mentality that logically makes sense.

Now you mention that thinking itself is helpful in your composing, yet then also defeat this in doom too. But if you think of the option of suicide, while this can be understandable, I ask you to now use the intelligence granted to you to think of the possibility that no matter what you may 'try', your conscious mind will not perceive you as ever succeeding. Instead, you may appear to 'survive' intact only to remain 'consistent' with nature, you then have real wounds to contend with that could only get worse as you suffer in more agony. I am not a psychiatrist and so cannot prescribe anything specific to you. However, I know that there are some medications that can help curb the emotions by nullifying the extremes. Just like constant dieters 'yo-yo' to extremes, depression does this too. And so this kind of medication can help. It may make you overtly unmotivated and gain you weight, but if you work with a psychiatrist, you can perhaps find a means to use some of their recommended medication even temporarily to stop the extreme bouncing.

I have to ask you to also consider that even while as depressed as you can get, if you opt out, you are only limiting even the lottery odds of experiencing a time where you may feel completely different in the future.

So are you or are you not saying that the adaptation process can create such an experience for me that I've just explained while depressed?

No, I'm just unclear what you are saying is functionally working for you. You seem to be saying that creativity through your composing helps but then seem to also imply this as hopeless. I'm not understanding this because you seem to be stating that ONLY if you are already in a state of feeling 'good' that this is all that you can count on, even if you attempt to try anything.

I understand the limits to what you can or cannot do while in a physiological state of depression. But I believe that if you 'accept' these states in a logical manner, you can prepare yourself for how you can try to react during them. It doesn't stop the emotional impact you feel during these times. But you can learn how to force yourself to behave during these times. This is where you can take your intellectual skills and use it to minimize the feelings.

I'm just saying there is an advantage to your intelligence that you can attempt to practice during these times to override the emotional states you feel at the time. And also by embracing these emotions as worse as they are, you can use this as a means to skyrocket that much more further in your 'high' times.

I'm curious to know why you picked your namesake here. I've been a fan of the classics too and Mozart was one of my all time favorites. If you are not already aware too, in his youth, his father had to stop him short of his natural compassion to play in order to strictly learn the language and theory of music. While this may seem unrelated, he was resistant to this at first. Yet the efforts of this struggle eventually paid off just as one's apparently depressing times pay off if one uses it effectively. For instance, the fact that merely keeping active even while down by doing something as simple as playing scales that occupy your mind during these times helps to diminish or mask the thinking during such down times AND actually contributes to the instinctive benefits of creativity later on. In fact, you'd be surprised how even such apparently useless activity during these times adds value later on without you recognizing its worth until you utilize it in your 'highs'. There is a kind of 'aha' moments to which you discover just how much the way you perform or create is owed to these times.

What is your music background do you have and what kind of music are you trying to compose?