Anger and Frustration Towards God

[Osric]

I'm on 30 mg of Abilify, 200 mg of Welbutrin for schizophrenia and depression. I also see a therapist and a med doctor. Therapy twice a month, and my med doctor once a month. I think the problem is that I was born evil. My entire life I remember struggling with my demons. I was always a dark child. But I do care about those people and things around me. It is maddening to be in conflict with yourself all the time. I care so much about the world around me that I want to destroy it. I see that the bad out numbers the good in life. I wish to destroy all of existence to eliminate the suffering of those in it. Naturally I would never do this, even though the urges are there. All I see is a world of greed and selfishness. The doctor's solution is to remove the threat by turning me into a zombie using "medicine". But I behave and wear the mask, pretending everything is alright. Even on the medications I'm on right now, I mostly just want to sleep. At night I get most of my energy, it has always been that way.

Lately I realize some of my depression comes from not having a full loving relationship with a woman. I have needs that are going unmet and my body and mind get sick because of it. Mental, physical, and social needs. I have never known the love of a woman besides physical intimacy. The last woman I was in a relationship with cheated on me and lied to me multiple times. All I have ever known when it comes to women is pity, not love. All my accomplishments in life mean nothing to them because I cannot physically satisfy their needs. So I'm trying to rise above me desires and remove women from my life, but I find my purposes and thoughts becoming darker each day the more I try to do so. Some of these purposes are with good intentions, but the means which I would go about them are unethical? I find myself disconnected from the rest of humanity. I can't relate to anything or anyone because I'm not meant to exist. Unless my existence was meant to be that of suffering. I try to amuse myself with video games, casual conversation, and other meaningless things, even some meaningful things, but the emptiness is always there. My emptiness broods jealousy and hatred for my fellow humans, if I'm even human anymore.

[thedoc]

I'm on 30 mg of Abilify, 200 mg of Welbutrin for schizophrenia and depression. I also see a therapist and a med doctor. Therapy twice a month, and my med doctor once a month. I think the problem is that I was born evil. My entire life I remember struggling with my demons. I was always a dark child. But I do care about those people and things around me. It is maddening to be in conflict with yourself all the time. I care so much about the world around me that I want to destroy it. I see that the bad out numbers the good in life. I wish to destroy all of existence to eliminate the suffering of those in it. Naturally I would never do this, even though the urges are there. All I see is a world of greed and selfishness. The doctor's solution is to remove the threat by turning me into a zombie using "medicine". But I behave and wear the mask, pretending everything is alright. Even on the medications I'm on right now, I mostly just want to sleep. At night I get most of my energy, it has always been that way.

Lately I realize some of my depression comes from not having a full loving relationship with a woman. I have needs that are going unmet and my body and mind get sick because of it. Mental, physical, and social needs. I have never known the love of a woman besides physical intimacy. The last woman I was in a relationship with cheated on me and lied to me multiple times. All I have ever known when it comes to women is pity, not love. All my accomplishments in life mean nothing to them because I cannot physically satisfy their needs. So I'm trying to rise above me desires and remove women from my life, but I find my purposes and thoughts becoming darker each day the more I try to do so. Some of these purposes are with good intentions, but the means which I would go about them are unethical? I find myself disconnected from the rest of humanity. I can't relate to anything or anyone because I'm not meant to exist. Unless my existence was meant to be that of suffering. I try to amuse myself with video games, casual conversation, and other meaningless things, even some meaningful things, but the emptiness is always there. My emptiness broods jealousy and hatred for my fellow humans, if I'm even human anymore.

Are you sure it's anger towards God, or anger towards other human beings? I know that I feel a lot of anger towards other people, and I usually work it out by imagining that I am beating the other person to a bloody pulp just short of killing them. I usually end by burying them alive with the bodies of their loved ones on top of them. After I go through that, I can let the anger go, and it doesn't bother me again, it's usually something else that will set me off. My imaginings are usually accompanied with some physical movement that my wife picks up on, but has learned to just let it go.

Just say'n you're not alone in your feelings toward the world.

[ReliStuPhD]

I think the problem is that I was born evil. My entire life I remember struggling with my demons. I was always a dark child. But I do care about those people and things around me.

Then I'd say you're not evil.

[Hobbes' Choice]

I'm on 30 mg of Abilify, 200 mg of Welbutrin for schizophrenia and depression. I also see a therapist and a med doctor. Therapy twice a month, and my med doctor once a month. I think the problem is that I was born evil. My entire life I remember struggling with my demons. I was always a dark child. But I do care about those people and things around me. It is maddening to be in conflict with yourself all the time. I care so much about the world around me that I want to destroy it. I see that the bad out numbers the good in life. I wish to destroy all of existence to eliminate the suffering of those in it. Naturally I would never do this, even though the urges are there. All I see is a world of greed and selfishness. The doctor's solution is to remove the threat by turning me into a zombie using "medicine". But I behave and wear the mask, pretending everything is alright. Even on the medications I'm on right now, I mostly just want to sleep. At night I get most of my energy, it has always been that way.

Lately I realize some of my depression comes from not having a full loving relationship with a woman. I have needs that are going unmet and my body and mind get sick because of it. Mental, physical, and social needs. I have never known the love of a woman besides physical intimacy. The last woman I was in a relationship with cheated on me and lied to me multiple times. All I have ever known when it comes to women is pity, not love. All my accomplishments in life mean nothing to them because I cannot physically satisfy their needs. So I'm trying to rise above me desires and remove women from my life, but I find my purposes and thoughts becoming darker each day the more I try to do so. Some of these purposes are with good intentions, but the means which I would go about them are unethical? I find myself disconnected from the rest of humanity. I can't relate to anything or anyone because I'm not meant to exist. Unless my existence was meant to be that of suffering. I try to amuse myself with video games, casual conversation, and other meaningless things, even some meaningful things, but the emptiness is always there. My emptiness broods jealousy and hatred for my fellow humans, if I'm even human anymore.

There is no such thing as evil. it's a religious myth.
Don't listen to the religious folk here or anywhere; they will prevent you gaining an understanding of your condition.
Let me ask you this - do you think that a thing such as "evil" can be mollified by a chemical substance such as Welbutin or Clozipne?

[marjoram_blues]

I think the problem is that I was born evil

What, or who, put that thought into your head?
I agree with HC.

I can't relate to anything or anyone because I'm not meant to exist. Unless my existence was meant to be that of suffering. I try to amuse myself with video games, casual conversation, and other meaningless things, even some meaningful things, but the emptiness is always there. My emptiness broods jealousy and hatred for my fellow humans, if I'm even human anymore.

The fact is that you exist; existence is about all kinds of everything, experiencing human-ness which includes a whole spectrum...
What makes you think that you are not human?
Humans can be a pain in the neck, wonderful givers, sadistic takers. It's all about the perceptions that you have. Right now, I've decided not to watch the news - or read anything about politicians. I feel hate but also frustration. We can distract ourselves from negative feelings by getting outside our mind, like you say. But still, any emptiness can remain. It's all a big fight sometimes; other times, it's easier.

Stay physically well and you're half-way there...
Take care. And even if you feel like the meds ain't helping - are you willing to find out what might happen if you stop taking them?
We've all seen the craziness that can happen when people fail to reach out for help; it's good you're talking...and relating, even if you think you can't. You can.