Christianity

[Gary Childress]

If God is to make me into someone better, then I would hope it's someone who can be a better companion for her.

That's a noble wish, Gary. And it's a big mistake many men make, when they focus on a woman, and forget that there is only a certain kind of man who is suitable for a certain kind of partner. There's no reason for her to want to be with a guy, if that guy is sad, pathetic, self-focused and weak. Why would she want a guy like that? What does he offer her? Will her life be better if she chains herself to a cinder-block of inertia like that? It's pretty easy to see she won't be thrilled by the offer. And worse: he can give her the impression that he's expecting her to "fix his happiness" for him, and make his life worth living. That's one heck of a lot of pressure...to be made responsible to fix another person's happiness. So why would she want that job, either? I don't think you'd want it.

But if you focus on becoming a better Gary, then anything's possible. However, if I judge what you're saying correctly, I think you know you're going to need help in overcoming the considerable obstacles that currently stand between you and the Gary you think you should be, and that you want to become. That is, again, where knowing God starts to come into play. A guy who's got his own act together, spiritually, morally and personally, is way more of an attractive partner than somebody who doesn't. But he's also just a happier, better person, whatever the outcome.

Yes. I have a lot to overcome. The obstacles are overwhelming to even look at. I have no idea how I would overcome them or even start. That in itself makes me extremely depressed. If it's my fate to never be with her, then so be it. I'm tired and I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Because I just can't imagine tomorrow will be any better.

[Gary Childress]

If God is to make me into someone better, then I would hope it's someone who can be a better companion for her.

That's a noble wish, Gary. And it's a big mistake many men make, when they focus on a woman, and forget that there is only a certain kind of man who is suitable for a certain kind of partner. There's no reason for her to want to be with a guy, if that guy is sad, pathetic, self-focused and weak. Why would she want a guy like that? What does he offer her? Will her life be better if she chains herself to a cinder-block of inertia like that? It's pretty easy to see she won't be thrilled by the offer. And worse: he can give her the impression that he's expecting her to "fix his happiness" for him, and make his life worth living. That's one heck of a lot of pressure...to be made responsible to fix another person's happiness. So why would she want that job, either? I don't think you'd want it.

Is it really a "big mistake" to have a noble wish like that? Is it wrong for a man to wish to be a better companion for the woman he loves? And is the part about a "certain kind of man" being "suitable for a certain kind of partner" in the Bible? I've never heard that one before. I'm curious to learn more about it.

[Immanuel Can]

Yes. I have a lot to overcome. The obstacles are overwhelming to even look at. I have no idea how I would overcome them or even start.

Knowing that, is the right place to start. It begins with a realistic assessment of where you are. That's what helps you see what level of help you really need, and maybe be ready to ask for it.

That in itself makes me extremely depressed.

That's the depression talking, Gary. And it's okay to feel that way, just not okay to let it paralyze you, while you still have options. I suspect that depression is going to be just one of the problem's God's going to address in your life, if you're willing. But you have to be willing to start the conversation. Otherwise, all you're asking for is to have yet another try at doing it by yourself.

And you know how that's worked out for you, right?

[Immanuel Can]

If God is to make me into someone better, then I would hope it's someone who can be a better companion for her.

That's a noble wish, Gary. And it's a big mistake many men make, when they focus on a woman, and forget that there is only a certain kind of man who is suitable for a certain kind of partner. There's no reason for her to want to be with a guy, if that guy is sad, pathetic, self-focused and weak. Why would she want a guy like that? What does he offer her? Will her life be better if she chains herself to a cinder-block of inertia like that? It's pretty easy to see she won't be thrilled by the offer. And worse: he can give her the impression that he's expecting her to "fix his happiness" for him, and make his life worth living. That's one heck of a lot of pressure...to be made responsible to fix another person's happiness. So why would she want that job, either? I don't think you'd want it.

Is it really a "big mistake" to have a noble wish like that?

No, Gary...and that's not what I was saying.

I was saying that the wish is noble, but it's not enough merely to wish it.

A noble person has to do something with that wish, and turn it into a strategy for reconstruction of your own character, or it can simply become a toxic longing to have a woman "solve your problems," instead of a healthy desire to be made into a better person...one who, incidentally, will also turn out to be a much more healthy and attractive partner.

And that's a job you can't do alone. We lack the objectivity and distance-from-ourselves to perform that kind of reconstruction through some kind of mere action of the will. We need help.

[Gary Childress]

Yes. I have a lot to overcome. The obstacles are overwhelming to even look at. I have no idea how I would overcome them or even start.

Knowing that, is the right place to start. It begins with a realistic assessment of where you are. That's what helps you see what level of help you really need, and maybe be ready to ask for it.

That in itself makes me extremely depressed.

That's the depression talking, Gary. And it's okay to feel that way, just not okay to let it paralyze you, while you still have options. I suspect that depression is going to be just one of the problem's God's going to address in your life, if you're willing. But you have to be willing to start the conversation. Otherwise, all you're asking for is to have yet another try at doing it by yourself.

And you know how that's worked out for you, right?

Well, I'm kind of afraid of what God might say and what he might end up doing to me or requiring me to do. What if he tells me to do something that I really don't want to do, like go talk to @#$% (@#$% being any of three particular women I have talked to in the past and have no desire to be around and tend to avoid like the plague). Then what? God may as well tell me that the cure for my problems is to eat horse droppings. To be honest, I think I'd rather stay depressed than have to eat horse droppings. At least depression I've been able to handle reasonably well. Pure hell, OTOH, would be much more difficult.

[Gary Childress]

That's a noble wish, Gary. And it's a big mistake many men make, when they focus on a woman, and forget that there is only a certain kind of man who is suitable for a certain kind of partner. There's no reason for her to want to be with a guy, if that guy is sad, pathetic, self-focused and weak. Why would she want a guy like that? What does he offer her? Will her life be better if she chains herself to a cinder-block of inertia like that? It's pretty easy to see she won't be thrilled by the offer. And worse: he can give her the impression that he's expecting her to "fix his happiness" for him, and make his life worth living. That's one heck of a lot of pressure...to be made responsible to fix another person's happiness. So why would she want that job, either? I don't think you'd want it.

Is it really a "big mistake" to have a noble wish like that?

No, Gary...and that's not what I was saying.

I was saying that the wish is noble, but it's not enough merely to wish it.

A noble person has to do something with that wish, and turn it into a strategy for reconstruction of your own character, or it can simply become a toxic longing to have a woman "solve your problems," instead of a healthy desire to be made into a better person...one who, incidentally, will also turn out to be a much more healthy and attractive partner.

And that's a job you can't do alone. We lack the objectivity and distance-from-ourselves to perform that kind of reconstruction through some kind of mere action of the will. We need help.

OK. Point taken. My tendency is to have a woman tell me what she wants from me and give me specific directions to perform; "take out the trash" or something like that for example. That I know how to do. Fix myself, OTOH, that's extremely difficult, I may as well try to climb Mt. Everest solo. But you're right. It's extremely unfair of me to ultimately leave it up to her to fix me especially since she has other priorities and probably has very little idea of how to successfully do it anyway. It would be nice if God could give me a push in the right direction with some momentum or something. Or maybe I need some serious repair and reconstruction that will take much more than just a push in the right direction. I don't know. Again, it all seems very staggering and overwhelming. That alone makes me want to lay down and rest a bit.

[BigMike]

Yes. I have a lot to overcome. The obstacles are overwhelming to even look at. I have no idea how I would overcome them or even start.

Knowing that, is the right place to start. It begins with a realistic assessment of where you are. That's what helps you see what level of help you really need, and maybe be ready to ask for it.

That in itself makes me extremely depressed.

That's the depression talking, Gary. And it's okay to feel that way, just not okay to let it paralyze you, while you still have options. I suspect that depression is going to be just one of the problem's God's going to address in your life, if you're willing. But you have to be willing to start the conversation. Otherwise, all you're asking for is to have yet another try at doing it by yourself.

And you know how that's worked out for you, right?

Well, I'm kind of afraid of what God might say and what he might end up doing to me or requiring me to do. What if he tells me to do something that I really don't want to do, like go talk to @#$% (@#$% being any of three particular women I have talked to in the past and have no desire to be around and tend to avoid like the plague). Then what? God may as well tell me that the cure for my problems is to eat horse droppings. To be honest, I think I'd rather stay depressed than have to eat horse droppings. At least depression I've been able to handle reasonably well. Pure hell, OTOH, would be much more difficult.

Well, if God tells you to go talk to those three women, just tell Him that you already have plans to visit the dentist, the proctologist, and the DMV all in the same day. Surely He'll understand that those appointments are way more appealing than facing those women again. And as for the horse droppings, well, just tell Him that you're allergic to them. After all, you wouldn't want to end up in the hospital with a severe case of "eating horse poopitis."

[Gary Childress]

Knowing that, is the right place to start. It begins with a realistic assessment of where you are. That's what helps you see what level of help you really need, and maybe be ready to ask for it.


That's the depression talking, Gary. And it's okay to feel that way, just not okay to let it paralyze you, while you still have options. I suspect that depression is going to be just one of the problem's God's going to address in your life, if you're willing. But you have to be willing to start the conversation. Otherwise, all you're asking for is to have yet another try at doing it by yourself.

And you know how that's worked out for you, right?

Well, I'm kind of afraid of what God might say and what he might end up doing to me or requiring me to do. What if he tells me to do something that I really don't want to do, like go talk to @#$% (@#$% being any of three particular women I have talked to in the past and have no desire to be around and tend to avoid like the plague). Then what? God may as well tell me that the cure for my problems is to eat horse droppings. To be honest, I think I'd rather stay depressed than have to eat horse droppings. At least depression I've been able to handle reasonably well. Pure hell, OTOH, would be much more difficult.

Well, if God tells you to go talk to those three women, just tell Him that you already have plans to visit the dentist, the proctologist, and the DMV all in the same day.

Thank you, BigMike. A little humor definitely helps one on a difficult journey. I mean, I wish I didn't feel that way about those women but I guess that tells me something about how this woman now probably feels about me, in which case, I can't blame her.

[BigMike]

Well, I'm kind of afraid of what God might say and what he might end up doing to me or requiring me to do. What if he tells me to do something that I really don't want to do, like go talk to @#$% (@#$% being any of three particular women I have talked to in the past and have no desire to be around and tend to avoid like the plague). Then what? God may as well tell me that the cure for my problems is to eat horse droppings. To be honest, I think I'd rather stay depressed than have to eat horse droppings. At least depression I've been able to handle reasonably well. Pure hell, OTOH, would be much more difficult.

Well, if God tells you to go talk to those three women, just tell Him that you already have plans to visit the dentist, the proctologist, and the DMV all in the same day.

Thank you, BigMike. A little humor definitely helps one on a difficult journey. I mean, I wish I didn't feel that way about those women but I guess that tells me something about how this woman now probably feels about me, in which case, I can't blame her.

Well, thank you for thanking me, Gary. I'm glad I could provide some comic relief on your treacherous journey through the land of love and dating. And don't worry, we've all been there before - feeling a certain way about someone only to realize they probably feel the same way about us. It's like a game of emotional ping pong, but with more heartache and less sweatbands. But hey, at least you're taking it in stride and not blaming anyone (except maybe yourself, but let's not dwell on that). Keep your head up, Gary, and remember: love is a rollercoaster, and sometimes you just gotta scream your way through the twists and turns.

[Immanuel Can]

Yes. I have a lot to overcome. The obstacles are overwhelming to even look at. I have no idea how I would overcome them or even start.

Knowing that, is the right place to start. It begins with a realistic assessment of where you are. That's what helps you see what level of help you really need, and maybe be ready to ask for it.

That in itself makes me extremely depressed.

That's the depression talking, Gary. And it's okay to feel that way, just not okay to let it paralyze you, while you still have options. I suspect that depression is going to be just one of the problem's God's going to address in your life, if you're willing. But you have to be willing to start the conversation. Otherwise, all you're asking for is to have yet another try at doing it by yourself.

And you know how that's worked out for you, right?

Well, I'm kind of afraid of what God might say and what he might end up doing to me or requiring me to do.

That's always a risk. That's what it means to give up having it your way, and agree to having it his way. But you never know what He will or won't ask you to do, until you ask.

C.S. Lewis used to say of God, "He's not a tame lion. But He is good."

[Immanuel Can]

My tendency is to have a woman tell me what she wants from me and give me specific directions to perform; "take out the trash" or something like that for example.

Yeah, bad news: they hate that.

They don't want to have to "tell" you anything. They just want you to know, and to do it. I never met a woman yet who was happy with the idea of having to tell her guy what to do.

That I know how to do. Fix myself, OTOH, that's extremely difficult, I may as well try to climb Mt. Everest solo.

Then don't do it solo.

Like I said, we're no good at doing it for ourselves; if we were, wouldn't we have already done it, long ago?

It would be nice if God could give me a push in the right direction with some momentum or something.

That won't happen if you're not in dialogue with Him. But then, it will be no surprise if it doesn't, right?

What He's asking of you is incredibly easy, incredibly small; it's just to take a few minutes to talk and listen for a bit. Could it be any simpler?

[Gary Childress]

My tendency is to have a woman tell me what she wants from me and give me specific directions to perform; "take out the trash" or something like that for example.

Yeah, bad news: they hate that.

They don't want to have to "tell" you anything. They just want you to know, and to do it. I never met a woman yet who was happy with the idea of having to tell her guy what to do.

That I know how to do. Fix myself, OTOH, that's extremely difficult, I may as well try to climb Mt. Everest solo.

Then don't do it solo.

Like I said, we're no good at doing it for ourselves; if we were, wouldn't we have already done it, long ago?

It would be nice if God could give me a push in the right direction with some momentum or something.

That won't happen if you're not in dialogue with Him. But then, it will be no surprise if it doesn't, right?

What He's asking of you is incredibly easy, incredibly small; it's just to take a few minutes to talk and listen for a bit. Could it be any simpler?

When I listen, what am I going to hear? Will it be a voice? Will it be a thought that will pop up in my head?

[Immanuel Can]

When I listen, what am I going to hear? Will it be a voice? Will it be a thought that will pop up in my head?

He's God. He gets to choose when and how he replies.

It's no different from a conversation with anybody else; you can't dictate beforehand what they're doing to say or do. You speak, you listen, and you see what response you get, and you work from there. It's a relationship, not a one-way.

There aren't any preset rules, except you have to show a modicum of respect and openness to the person you're talking to, or they tend to be unresponsive.

Anyone would be.

[Gary Childress]

When I listen, what am I going to hear? Will it be a voice? Will it be a thought that will pop up in my head?

He's God. He gets to choose when and how he replies.

It's no different from a conversation with anybody else; you can't dictate beforehand what they're doing to say or do. You speak, you listen, and you see what response you get, and you work from there. It's a relationship, not a one-way.

There aren't any preset rules, except you have to show a modicum of respect and openness to the person you're talking to, or they tend to be unresponsive.

Anyone would be.

Well, I'm not sure what I should ask or say. Ultimately, I'd like him to fix what is wrong with me so that I'm not such a disaster. I mean, maybe he's already done/is doing that over the course of today. But it didn't involve me hearing a voice. It involved thoughts coming to me through a certain sense of clarity that I seldom seem to have had. If that's the case, then I think I would prefer that instead of directly speaking to God. I'm not yet in a place where I think I could show him the proper respect that is perhaps warranted. I didn't grow up in a religious household so this is all new to me (having faith in God). Me having God materialize before me or even talking directly to him/her would probably be more than I can handle at this point. But I'll take your word for it and assume that it's one or more of the Holy Trinity at work (to adhere to the Christian tradition).

[Immanuel Can]

Well, I'm not sure what I should ask or say. Ultimately, I'd like him to fix what is wrong with me so that I'm not such a disaster.

That's a great start.

I mean, maybe he's already done/is doing that over the course of today. But it didn't involve me hearing a voice. It involved thoughts coming to me through a certain sense of clarity that I seldom seem to have had. If that's the case, then I think I would prefer that instead of directly speaking to God.

Why?

I'm not yet in a place where I think I could show him the proper respect that is perhaps warranted.

Honesty is the thing you need. We can all manage that, I think.

I didn't grow up in a religious household so this is all new to me (having faith in God). Me having God materialize before me or even talking directly to him/her would probably be more than I can handle at this point. But I'll take your word for it and assume that it's one or more of the Holy Trinity at work (to adhere to the Christian tradition).

Try the conversation. See where it takes you. That's my advice.